...............maybe...

do be do be do

2012-01-03T00:01:00.001-05:00

Lights beside the Freeway. Through the Freeway window.

Words. I just deleted a lot of words.

And a lot of words before that.
They're futile anyway, right Suf?

How do I say that 2012 needs to be a year for doing? Doing a lot of bucket list things. Doing smartly. Doing bravely and adventurously, spontaneously (Ben's word), lovingly. But also doing deliberately. Doing purposefully, positively, communally, entirely. Entirely. Doing things that are necessary, and doing things that are frivolous. Doing things beautiful and mundane. Doing things that God has called and smiled upon for me to do. Doing due discernment to know what those things are. But also doing things while being prepared to improvise.

2012 is time for action. For being open to hearing God breathe. For being creative and honest. For being obedient and courageous. For being beautiful and mundane. For being colourful and joyful, for being attentive and trusting.

Vague vague vague.

The words just become more futile as they arrive and multiply on the screen, so I deleted more.

Lights beside the Freeway. Through the Mazda window.

alabaster

2011-12-09T11:09:00.001-05:00

GAH it's too much for me. Last night I read Matt 26:6-13 about the woman with the alabaster jar. There are so many particular connections to draw between my previous blog post and this passage. But I just want to bask in the overall glow, finish this flipping paper, and then sit back and watch the connections appear. Love getting hit in the face with ideas, I just wish I had the capacity to do justice to them, sorting them out and sharing. OK back to paper.

PS I want to go to the beach.

Papering Sidebar

2011-12-07T15:28:00.001-05:00

Thoughts while papering. Totally unrelated (to the paper). Except that papering happens in the midst of real life and sometimes the two compete for mainstage brain action.

Today I realized, while reflecting on some things that hit me at a funeral yesterday. That the labels we use for each other just are (a blessing and a curse, just are). And this is the end of the musing, but there are threads of thought which lead here.

I can say that a few weeks ago I was at church and heard this sermon. Amazing, and so much truth (I want to stick a link in here right to the sermon but their website is not responding right now so...no direct link...so hey. Go look for James Robertson in Eucharist's sermon archive).

And last week I saw the Marc Chagall exhibit at the AGO (SO GOOD. Go and see, if you haven't yet) and then on the same day I went off to see Feist at Massey Hall (ALSO good! what a day!). And it struck me that day that it's funny how people can have these talents and skills. Talents, skills with which they can make images and sounds and make meaning. The meaning does not come just from the colours on the canvas, but instead from the artist's choice to put this shade beside that other shade on this particular piece of canvas portraying this particular huge piece of his own personal history. The meaning comes from the mixture of Leslie's story, her own attitude toward her story, the way she chooses to sing about that story and about the story of humanity... The meaning layers itself when we know that Chagall was a Jew in Russia, and that he was not actually allowed to be a painter because of certain religious observances and political restrictions and that he went off to Paris to study anyway (uumm Art History major should know more about this. Woops). And then it layers itself even more when we can see through his (he)art and read in his own words how homesick he was for Vitebsk. And meaning heaps on itself when we see a musician get lost in the music they're so joyfully sharing with a roomful of not-so-strangers, so much more than what we know from simply hearing that same song through those tiny little earbuds on a GO train full of disconnected souls.

OK there's a thought, and then there's more. What makes the work particular and amazing is the fact that THIS PERSON made it. A beautiful piece is beautiful because of the story behind it. Because of the truth with which it wrestles. Because of the viewer/listener's story and how it's enhanced by the artist's story, and the interaction itself, and the piece of canvas hanging on the wall is just a piece of canvas...with some pigment.

And then. The story with which anyone approaches anything contains labels and definitions (back to the Eucharist sermon). We get more out of Chagall's work when we hear labels like Jew, Russia, early 1900's, hometown. These might come with built-in connotations, but the work, and how we know the person, is enhanced by these very nuances. The label is sometimes the point of interaction. But of course there's a real person behind all of that, and how do you separate the real person from the ways you know that same person!? I know Chagall as a painter and a stained-glass artist. As someone who has inspired my own love for colour and the lump in my own throat when I think of any kind of homesickness. I know Feist as a musician, and a lovely performer. As someone who can make beautiful, adventurous music, and capture the hearts of a Massey Hall audience. I don't know either of them personally beyond those points of interaction, and yet we know each other.

I have to get back to a paper. About imagination and faith. And Eucharist (the original...see Luke 22).

But I'm distracted by the idea that the Jars of Clay Paul mentions in 2 Corinthians 4 are kind of like labels. We've all come across interpretations that draw the analogies of clay/dust/common use, etc... But we, as jars, are filled with something (a treasure!!!) that just needs to be contained. The outer contours touch each other on the shelf and interact. From one jar to another the contents can be poured. Without the jar, whatever's filling us would be on the floor in a puddle.

Without the labels, we would be forced to mix up with each other, irrevocably, in that puddle on the floor. They provide distinction, and they allow discrimination. They define that treasure, and they define how that treasure is shared and enjoyed. We can hide reality behind the label, and we kind of have to, so much as we are defined by the label. We can hide the reality of the treasure that we are behind a big clay wall. But the clay label isn't what's important. It's the treasure that's key.

Colin was a treasure. You are a treasure. You are of Christ, and Christ is of God.

2011-11-17T12:56:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was the 100th anniversary celebration and rededication service of Founder's Chapel. I got to work at the reception, which was sweet. But that also meant that I didn't get to stay for the whole service, which was sad. But the thing that stuck with me (enough to google it and look for the original quotation etc) was Leonard Griffith mentioning these words:

"I steadfastly refuse to gratify the devil by becoming discouraged." (according to Google the origin is unknown)

I kind of get a little distracted by the implication of morality when it comes to a touchy subject like depression. But when you stop to think. The reason the devil gets satisfaction out of my discouragement is because I've stopped reminding myself that God is bigger than whatever is discouraging me. Stupid Stupid Me. Obviously everything I've known tells me that my conclusion is dumb. Obviously God is bigger than that. Obviously the moment I ignore that fact is the moment the devil's got a big smile on his ugly face.

return

2011-11-14T00:26:00.001-05:00

(this is a tired old blog.) (it's been a long while.) the other day i was telling my journal that i seem to have a constipation of splagnizomai. if that's even possible. splagnizomai is a (biblical) greek word for when you have a gut reaction to something. like somewhere in mark when jesus had compassion for someone, the language used referred to the emotion being felt in the gut rather than in the heart or wherever we currently say emotion is felt. constipation i guess is kind of a nasty image. haha. but really, you can't properly enjoy a good dump when you're constipated. all that good shit is stuck, you know you need to get it out, but your body is just not cooperating and you're stuck feeling terrible. you know? i think, actually, the word is acedia. and i recently read a chapter about sloth, any work that's not good, and how it's a deadly sin and actually opposed to love. at this point, right now, as i do terrible work on my grad program (really, i have a terrible work ethic right now), this is a scary thought.

and i just now realized that i think i have the flu.

2011-09-06T11:07:00.004-04:00

Blogger has a new interface! Looks nice! Go Blogger!

I wonder if I will blog more often now? ...?

So summer 2011 comes to a close. The last few weeks have looked a lot different than originally intended; Frosh Week didn't happen--which is super sad--, but I got to enjoy a cottage with some dear friends, and then spent more than 24 solid hours at Killbear. So good. (and of course a weekend at Sauble fits in there too somewhere. August was alright!)

...drank lots of coffee (death-strong! stove-top espresso stretched out with nice strong dark roasted french press...), relaxed, pretended to write a (now late) paper. It was good to get away briefly.

Also this summer: bought a car. bought an iPhone (whaaaaaaaat!). Saw lots of some friends, and didn't see enough of other friends. Learned a bunch about family and what it means to love each other when we're broken and our community is too. Lived out of a pile (seriously need to do something about that. Moving home is just fine except when you've been away for a bit and your space is now space you're borrowing back and you're not sure where to put all your stuff--and there's a lot of it... Most of it should go in the garbage but that's a lot of sorting to do...another day...).

Sometimes when I'm down I look through recent photos on Facebook to remind myself that life is actually pretty awesome. So many beautiful people that I get to love in my life. This summer was pretty slow for photos--actually, there wasn't a lot on there for a long while and it was pretty upsetting. Not that life is defined by how it's represented in Facebook photos, but because there were fewer fun events to remember in those photos... The last bit of summer's been a lot better...and now I have the fun Mobile Uploads album from my silly iPhone splurge (kind of makes me wonder what will happen to my dearly beloved Lumix...hrrm...). But the colours and the beautiful faces (other people's photos---I still don't take good people photos. I'll probably just stick with the colours) continue to represent some good stuff. Good reminder that life is actually pretty full. Thanks, Facebook.

Andrea, I forget what you called this little exercise, but whatever the name is should be the new name for my blog. Here's hoping that, having written a little on here I can now go back to my paper and get some solid words down. Tie some thoughts together. Yesterday I procrastibaked, Saturday I procrasticleaned (I don't know when Dad's car was cleaned last but it was GROSS) and I can't procrastishop right now because Keegan just left in my car (although if I'm determined enough I can bike to the mall. Need new jeans!).

So. Summer has to end and we have to write a paper.

2011-08-18T22:00:00.002-04:00

Dear: 6 AM.

I think we need to take a break from each other. See other people. You know...like, I've really enjoyed seeing 12:30 AM a bunch of times recently, and sometimes even 1 AM joins us. But you really put a damper on such adventures. It's like you smother the life out of life. Kind of frustrating. Kind of looking forward to September, to not seeing you every day... no offence or anything, but I actually never want to see you again...

Sincerely, Justine.

what you put in

2011-07-28T21:42:00.004-04:00

totally affects what life consists of. I am a walking example. I said walking rather than living, because as Madeleine L'Engle has said: '...unless we are creators, we are not fully alive.'

You might say 'I told you so.' And that's probably true. I even told myself. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I signed up for this. And still we persevere.

But is it a persevering? Barely surviving. Most definitely not thriving. Is there a bad apple in the bushel that is this life, or is there just a rotten stink that pervades the whole thing? And what would that stink consist of? Busy-ness? Lack of sleep? Claustrophobic toes? No specific direction? A deadly combination of these, and more? I keep going back to moments like this, where the vagueness is actually still a level of comfort...

Bad apple or rotten pervading stink---it's not all over: we have a solid foundational belief in a life and a death and a resurrection which redeem every inch. But it takes alive to know alive. There's an undeniable responsibility on the part of the receiver of life to DO SOMETHING WITH THAT LIFE. And that SOMETHING needs to include a whole lot of whatever is not currently included in this whirlwind summer. And I learn this every damn whirlwind summer.

So if I'm still struggling in the wake of this whirlwind, does that mean I haven't actually learned anything? I've proven to myself and to the world (NOBODY CARES!) that I can push through to the end of not one, not two, but...this is the 7th glorious, impossible summer. (9th if you count the CLS years...)(and I repeat: nobody cares!!!) I've learned, through the repeated lack, what is necessary for wellbeing. For life.

But one of the biggest life-giving experiences is learning and putting to use what has been learned. No? You can't learn something about life and keep it restricted to just a simple theory. Life isn't theory. Life is doing and being and sharing and believing and hoping and loving and seeing and tasting. Well, loving should be closer to the beginning of that list.

I didn't lose interest in finishing this post...I just also believe that life is also sleeping. As lame as that sounds... Good night!

2011-07-21T19:26:00.001-04:00

I really would like to write a large-ish paper on the topic of attentiveness. I think that this is different from attention in some ways. Unfortunately I don't think I have enough of an attention span to be attentive to the things which would inform a really good paper on said topic. HHHMMM.

2011-06-27T21:25:00.002-04:00

sock tan

sunscreen

survival mode

life consists of SO much more

right?

eternal tunes

2011-05-26T22:36:00.002-04:00

One of the things that blew my mind this semester (via Systematic Theology/David Yeago) is the idea of eternity. So, God exists outside of time. He created time when he created a world that revolves and evolves. A thousand years are like a day to him because neither length of time affects him---he holds all of it in his creating and sustaining hands. It's not a matter of seeing the future, predicting and guiding---it's more a matter of holding beginning and middle and ending together in the same plane without the time factor.

I wonder what time looks like to him. If it gets boring to know the end result, like when you read the last few pages of an intense book just to find out if the person who's in mortal danger on page 53 is still around on page 129. Of course the intense mortal danger doesn't seem so bad when you know that character survives and is happier (and maybe wiser etc...) 76 pages later.

And the question that just exploded my brain a few moments ago: is music eternal in a similar way? You know how sometimes people celebrate the arrival of a song...like Five Iron Frenzy really cherishes Every New Day for the way it felt like a gift from God. Once music is given breath (literally) it's entered into time. It gets passed around and its creators take it on tour. It gets covered by other bands, it gets recorded and replayed the world over, it gets listened to by great and small alike.

Music enters time when it's received by human hearts and ears...and then it becomes timeless in its reception. So it's a mix of eternity and mortality (some music doesn't live on. Some music dies with its mortal creators. Does it really?-----hhmmm food for more thought....) and mortality and eternity (other music just lives forever. Timeless and limitless in the ways it reaches and affects its audience. For example, all the flash mob choirs singing the Hallelujah chorus on Youtube at Christmas...). Is the act of music (entailing conceiving, making, listening, enjoying, dancing, jamming, etc) a human attempt to tap into something eternal and yet accessible to human hearts and ears? Is the eternity of music something we can grasp more easily than the fact of God's eternity---but maybe it's another layer of a similar thing and it represents so much more than just a good song?

This is such a half-formed thought right now. Need to pick up the pieces of my brain and read a bit of philosophy/musicology/...what category would this question even fall under!? I want to look at music in a philosophical/theological/metaphysical perspective. Any ideas?

Romans again.

2011-04-13T23:01:00.003-04:00

...I think the unfinishedness of a project of this grand scale is symbolic to the grand scale of the project...which is as yet unfinished. Moreover, due to the nature and grand scale-ness of a project such as this, unfinishedness is to be expected. Actually, the unfinishedness of a project of this grand scale is to be desired, as the scale of said project is so grand because finishedness is not even possible until we meet Paul in person, and have a party with him and with all of the commentators who have ever written on his words. And maybe with Jesus, to add some more authority to the conversation.

Romans.

2011-04-13T22:58:00.000-04:00

Reflectograph (procrastiflection?)

2011-04-07T23:53:00.005-04:00

Photographs of

(beach) Sunset.

Family. (on a beach)

Colour. (photograph taken in a beautiful Sauble Summer moment)

Reflecting more colour

and Word/Thought Processor,

all occuring within the busyness of Toronto, school,

and an OCD approach to systematizing

what the heck we learn.

I don't know why I have to systematically point out the beach references there, because it totally takes away from the list poetry. Sunset. Family. Colour. But part of the poetry is the fact that all of these photographs incorporate beach in some obvious or not-so-obvious way. Part of the OCD approach to systematizing what the heck we learn takes away from the poetics of it all. Part of the poetry is the fact that this OCD approach to systematizing what the heck we learn is a beautiful process.

I guess it would kind of be like writing a list of everything you need in order to properly enjoy a day at the beach. Systematizing what we've learned in the past: that big heavy book won't be useful (or enjoyable), make sure you wear (and bring extra) sunscreen. But part of the beauty of the beach is the haphazard way the colours (life!), scribbled in crayon on kraft paper tablecloth at a birthday party (remember the horseradish mayo surprise? eugh), just happen and work out. Poetically. Beautiful process.

It's been a good semester (**not quite over yet...just procrastinating a little bit...).

The list-lover in me would like to take a systematic approach to it all. I tried this, from an academic perspective, and sort of succeeded. (Yes? No?) Although, that approach tried to incorporate it all, in a systematic sweep of every part of this semester--and there's just too much to cover. Like trying to sip water from a firehose. Like trying to fill up a very large sheet of paper with a very fine-tip pen (which will run out long before the task is completed--energy depleted).

Energy depleted. Where the fine-tip pen could have been used to write a few poetic, symbolic words instead of filling a very large sheet of paper with a firehose volume.

Maybe, after all, we just need to work on our KISS skills?

(keep it simple, stupid)

spring is soon upon us

2011-03-30T10:48:00.000-04:00

yes.

march

2011-03-06T01:33:00.001-05:00

Dunno what all the fuss is about February.

March is 5 (well, 6 now) days old and it's kicking my butt SO bad.

ugh.

new year, new you

2011-01-06T11:18:00.004-05:00

Well folks. It's that time of year again. That time where we sit back and take a look at life. Where are we now? Where were we this time last year? Where do we want to be this time next year? HHHHMMMMMM that was the million dollar question...

In a few days we'll be back at school, digging deep into some interesting topics, aligning our direction with the things we learn and with the application of those things.

This semester, this 2011, we need to find a place within which to do some more of that application. Life is so abstract (...just read Alex's blog this morning...it's so true! Legendary and Abstract! ...yesterday is already legendary and abstract. Uhoh...) and the existing practice of journalling through it when we can spare a brief moment and bear the scrutiny is just not making anything more tangible. Our existing context is disjointed...with amazing friends all over the place but with no One Amazing Place to return again and again to develop any sort of spiritual discipline.

There's a painting at My Dog Joe in Westdale, it grabs me everytime I'm in there. Blue, with a lone figure, and the words (and I'll paraphrase, because I don't remember exactly...) "When I'm not with you, I forget you. Is that awful?" When people we know become legendary and abstract, they are still people---friends. We have Facebook and phones and snail mail and photo albums and the ability to travel---we pull each other out of the legendary and abstract and into a reality which involves community, love, confrontation, harmony. But we can just as quickly retreat into legendary and abstract when we say good night, log off facebook, get on the highway for the hop-skip-jump-trip home. We scroll through iTunes in an effort to connect to real heartbreaking music, but the names and titles which fly past our eyes are legendary and abstract in their silence. We can just as easily enlist the shuffle button to help pull us out of the cloud, and sometimes we touch reality in a brief moment of musical truth. This is a recurring theme, it was worrying me already last year. The craving is there; we're craving something real and true but it's beyond a veil of the legendary and abstract, and we just don't know what words to type into the search engine.

Is this a post-modern angst? Do we need a label in order to decide on a plan for 2011? We're looking forward to B Walsh's Beyond Homelessness this semester--high hopes for some ideas, at least, for breaking out of the legendary and abstractness that life has become. And we'll all float on. Alright!

Okay, now that we've waxed so eloquently on

the legendary and abstract state of 2011 so far,

we also need to start working on this paper.

2010-12-30T00:12:00.002-05:00

Music

hangs in the air,

shimmers around the Christmas tree.

2010-12-15T20:52:00.000-05:00

It's cold outside!

my first race! haha...

2010-12-15T09:56:00.001-05:00

2010-12-02T19:45:00.000-05:00

2010-11-29T20:50:00.003-05:00

There comes a point in every semester where the workload teases, rolling up its sleeves and getting ready to start kicking me around. Right before this happens, I hit a lull...wherein I wonder...what the heck am I doing and WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!

No. I'm not at that point. I mean, end-of-term-itis is here. But it's sneaky. I am just uncreatively staring at the textbook in front of me, wishing for the drive to actually take in the interesting things it wants to tell me. Amazed at the process by which we take in information, turn it around in our brains based on our own experiences and then, regurgitating with our own unique flavour (hopefully not reeking of real bile...), we spit out what we've learned in a blob of text on a page (or a cloud of words in the air) which shimmer and shine briefly before vanishing into the whirlwind glacier that is academia.

This is not my only existence; I need to remember this.

A pile of beads sits in the corner of my room, winking at me. My bookshelf is overflowing with books I'd been intending to read...for fun...someday. The washing machine downstairs is eagerly awaiting the next sock meal I will offer to it tonight. My journal is half-full of little one-liners, most of which say something like "IOU a lot of words!" (The other half is still empty...waiting for all those words...) Facebook teases me with just-out-of-reach snippets of friends' exciting existences---there is more to life than this. It's just happening elsewhere right now.

If I didn't have piles of this work to do forever in the future...who would I be? I love learning, I love this season, and I love the people I'm learning with. But at the same time...I'm pretty sure I sign myself up for school because it puts perimeters and limits around what I can and cannot do. The time I can spend with people. The amount of time and money I can give away to people who need it more than I do. The thoughts I can spare, for what comes next after this semester, after this degree. "The sky's the limit" has always been such a freaky phrase, I feel a lot better when the sky's obstructed with comforting walls...silly!

(Actually. I have been taking in some of this reading: The example that Cranmer uses in his Preface to the Great Bible in 1540 is that probably, if there's a town of people near the North Pole, surrounded by hills which obstruct the sun, and the hills suddenly disappear and allow them their first glimpse of the sun, these townspeople might just be freaked out or offended by the bigness and brightness of this yellow ball of fire. The analogy refers to the fact that people who aren't accustomed to having 24/7 access to a Bible of their own and in their own language might not take advantage of this access because they're not used to it. "And therefore I can well think them worthy pardon, which at the coming abroad of Scripture doubted and drew back. But such as will persist in their willfulness, I must needs judge, not only foolish, froward and obstinate, but also peevish, perverse and indurate."

...haha...)

This busyness is a kind of selfishness and at the same time a kind of hiding from the real world, and a hiding from myself. Too busy to develop disciplines which will help to uncover some of these silly limits I place on myself. Too busy to really love the many amazing people who are in my life. Now that I recognize this, I spose I better stop being peevish, perverse and indurate!

5 years

2010-11-16T21:10:00.002-05:00

5 years ago if you had told me that today I would be:

biking (BIKING!) home on a dark rainy street (HOME?) in downtown Toronto (biking in TORONTO!?)(home!?) from playing piano (leading worship!?) in an Anglican -----anglican---- Evening Prayer service at the place where I am doing a Master of Theological Studies Degree (U of T. master's level. with world-famous profs who write books and know their stuff.) ...

...I probably would have laughed.

strings

2010-11-13T17:42:00.001-05:00

it's nice to play a real piano again.

i don't go to school here. but the sun was shining.

2010-10-29T17:24:00.004-04:00

Grange Park...beside OCAD.

this is where i go to school

2010-10-29T17:21:00.004-04:00

Sports etc field beside Wycliffe...

Leonard Hall

Funny that back in the day I picked UTM because I was too scared of downtown Toronto. Haha.

2010-10-14T21:56:00.002-04:00

It's easier to post pictures than to say words.

The picture is unrelated.

The Weather Network is calling for sun tomorrow, and I'm glad.

lake

2010-10-13T01:04:00.001-04:00

I still live this close to the lake!

famjam

2010-09-27T22:29:00.000-04:00

Famcamping trip...at the Pineries, September 2010.

hooray for school

2010-09-15T23:31:00.001-04:00

I'm really, really stoked to be back at school.

Really.

it's not the end of the world...just the end of summer.

2010-09-08T20:47:00.002-04:00

favourite

2010-08-07T20:10:00.003-04:00

Today I cut a whole wack of these (lost track after 100...) and stuck them into last year's OT and NT textbooks, to be pressed and preserved for some day in the future.

Will go back for more.

Who needs life savings when they can pick and save a field of Queen Anne's Lace?

How to Kill a Landscaper:

2010-07-28T22:40:00.003-04:00

1. Strategically place a glass bottle on her trimmer route. Clear glass is best, it's hard to see. Start peeling the label, so that it looks just like a harmless piece of paper fluttering in the grass. Put the bottle in tallish grass, maybe near a retaining wall or something. Sneaky.

2. Sit back and watch the glass shards fly. (Safety glasses are highly recommended. Pants would also be appropriate.)

3. In some cases, the impact of the glass might not finish her off. Maybe the loss of blood doesn't do the trick either. But don't worry----rage will smolder all day, and will eventually shrivel the landscaper's heart so that it either dries up completely, or explodes because of the force of her anger.

Just don't leave your fricking garbage lying around. It's so dangerous. And so, so, so annoying.

...went camera shopping...

2010-07-22T20:16:00.001-04:00

Yup!

...pretty stoked.

school!

2010-07-14T23:30:00.002-04:00

OK.

Every year, I get the chance to look at a new course schedule and choose a new set of courses. Every year, I ignore (well, mostly) the list of required courses, and just take the ones I want to take. Every year there are just too many interesting courses. Too many amazing things I want to learn about.

Too many.

And I wanted to go part-time this year, to keep tuition down and to have time to work P/T. Funny joke, hey!

FLIP.

transition

2010-07-06T21:19:00.003-04:00

A couple months ago I blogged about technology.

And about how I'm kind of addicted to it.

To my phone. To my camera.

I can justify my need for these things because I'll use them to make the world better. To keep in touch with people I love.

To make pretty pictures of the world God created.

Really?

The world will keep turning on its axis if I don't replace a stolen camera, if I don't have a camera on me at all times. The people I love would write letters and buy stamps if that's what it took for us to keep in touch.

I understand that.

But I don't think this will stop me from camera shopping, and I think that's ok...I will just print more pictures. And send them as postcards in the mail!

2010-06-20T13:11:00.000-04:00

2010-06-20T12:55:00.000-04:00

I have nothing to say.

2010-05-07T00:18:00.001-04:00

What does that even mean?

hhhmm.

2010-04-20T23:26:00.005-04:00

Remember last summer? Bible League of Canada has a Dayplanner, with a Verse of the Day. It applies, every workday. Still does. Incredibly.

So, just for the record:

Verse of the Day from Bible League of Canada Dayplanner (from here on in known as BLOC) today was 1 Kings 8:23.

"Oh Lord, God of Israel, there is no God like you in heaven above or on earth below--you who keep your covenant of love with your servants who continue wholeheartedly in your way."

This is pretty neat timing, based on some of the questions encountered today in conversation while working. I'm convinced this means something really cool. It's going to be a tough but exciting summer. Difficult and demanding, but encouraging and exciting.

seasons come and go

2010-04-14T00:10:00.002-04:00

I used to thrive on the transitions between school and summer break. School would get progressively older as it got more stressful, over the course of thirteen short weeks. Christmas and New Year celebrations fly past in a flurry of meticulous scheduling and strategic parties. Another thirteen weeks sneak past, pretending to slog by as spring arrives. Then summer comes along and, before I've had a chance to slap on a second coat of sunscreen, a new batch of friends have tied the knot, I've survived a few trips up to cottage country in weekend traffic, and I've followed a line trimmer around for a thousand miles. I'm buying textbooks again and meeting new teachers. (Ever since grade 1, the first day of school has been my favourite. New books, new seating arrangements, new pencil crayons. New routines! New adventures!)

While new adventures (a new notebook or a new set of markers, a new outfit, a new perspective on life) are always exciting, I'm starting to wish for a more permanent way to live. I once thought I could be a perpetual student---I'd love to keep learning! But this transitional lifestyle--swinging from semester to semester--isn't where I'd like to see myself 5-10 years down the line.

So the roots are starting to reach out, to find cracks and niches in the spaces where I live this life. Do I get to choose where those roots go, or do they go on their own, looking for the best and most nutritious place to dig down deep? The roots that already exist...those that hold me back from making the most significant choices...they're necessary too, since they're currently also fueling the forward movement. I'm learning to be less picky about where this nutrition comes from--and more picky at the same time. I'm learning to stretch those original roots to make room for the new roots. I'm learning to push the roots further down as well--they're super complex already, which adds stability, but the deeper they go, the better, right?

Meanwhile. This is the slowest transition period I've had in a while (a week between end of term and beginning of summer work) and I'm really cherishing it. Should probably sleep a little more though. :)

really unproductive day.

2010-03-29T16:02:00.002-04:00

Sometimes,

when I spend a weekend at home in Burlington,

I forget that I am attending grad school in Toronto

at the same time.

Also, I'm a lazy artist--

but I seem to get the pressing urge to make/create

when there are more pressing matters like final deadlines

coming up soon.

The knots in my shoulder

keep track for me

of how much time I've wasted sitting here,

thinking about art. Thinking about life,

thinking about coffee and colour.

Unfortunately

art, life, coffee and colour are not really

related to the final deadlines coming up soon.

It might be time

to think about self-discipline and such...

can you tell I have a lot of work to do?

2010-03-22T16:05:00.004-04:00

Yeah blogging had slowed down to a minimum recently (and more so among some of the blog links to the right!)...but it's still something better to do than all this homework.

So I made this observation while reading for a class on Liturgics.

In my limited experience, a highly liturgical worship tradition seems to value smooth-flowing service and "invisible" liturgy, which is said to allow the worshipers to worship without unnecessary distractions. New things can be disruptive unless they are sufficiently taught outside of the liturgy itself. (new things aren't bad, they can just be difficult sometimes) Yes, ritual might signify a mindless repetition of formal actions, but it also points to comfortable and trusted movements which lead to a whole experience. (like, it's easier to really enjoy and get into a dance when you're familiar with the moves and the rhythm and the theme of the song...)

This is kind of silly, but when I read about the role of liturgy in pointing our hearts and minds to God, and I come across a grammar mistake, I can't help but think Grammar is really a kind of Liturgy. Proper punctuation, appropriate spelling and word choices make all the difference in getting the author's point across. Yes, we're all human, but editing oversights really do seem to me to be quite sacrilegious. They're horribly distracting, and they take the focus off of the content of the sentence. Where we're supposed to be following the author's train of thought, instead we're picking apart each misplaced comma. Typos undermine the author's authority like you wouldn't believe--pushing the train right off the rails. You wouldn't trust a dance teacher if they appear to be uncertain about what the next dance move is supposed to be, right?

I know I sound like a hardliner. People make mistakes, and that doesn't mean they should be immediately excommunicated or rejected from the community. (of course not--we forgive, too!)

Maybe my standards are too high?

this is awkward

2010-03-20T13:38:00.002-04:00

I decided yesterday (journalled this! officially!) that I really do like learning. (in the context of grad school/seminary/theology/ideas to ponder/etc)

I suppose this does not guarantee an ability to ingest and retain huge amounts of information (because, I really can't do that so well) and it also doesn't guarantee an immediate grasp (haha) of all of the concepts discussed in class and all that...actually my default school face has a bit of a glazed-eyes effect going on, and I can barely even communicate with others about the weather while in that mode...

Dangit.

I've never really considered myself a grad student at heart---even after 1.5 years of successfully passing all my courses so far and engaging, to a certain extent, with the content and its implications---but I really wouldn't mind just learning more. And more and more.

Funny timing, now as the school year draws to a close and there's waaaayyyy too much work to do properly..

Currently:

2010-03-17T11:28:00.003-04:00

skipping class, sipping lovely Crux coffee in Wycliffe's Day Student Lounge, and digging into some reading*.

Good call.

* Crux sells coffee AND books... I JUST picked up some Wendell Berry, but will try my hardest to read more class reading before getting into him...:)

p h o t o

2010-03-05T22:47:00.002-05:00

am just a little bit happy to have a camera again.

and sunshine with which to photograph beautiful things.

Sunset over the river in Cambridge.

Layers in Colossians

Condensation on plastic sheet...

Lent

2010-03-02T14:46:00.006-05:00

Today, I learned that purple is a traditional Lenten colour. It's also used at Advent, in a time of fasting.

Funny, because I've been craving purple the last week or three...and, while I had worried just a little about wearing colours too bright or rich for such a penitential season, I'm not so worried after all. It's spring soon! This season--in school AND in church year--lends itself to a rich, deep purple, one that soothes and calms a stressed-about-school heart and at the same time inspires action and determination, and deeper joy.

I guess I found a

colour for this ache, eh?

still grey.

2010-02-27T22:07:00.002-05:00

Questions Questions Questions

2010-02-22T10:28:00.006-05:00

Does Christianity make any sense outside of community? ...can the priesthood be interpreted from the point of view of an individual's sharing in the priesthood of Christ, through an individual call or vocation, a call that sets him above his fellow men in dignity and holiness? Isn't the Christian priesthood...essentially a communal one, given to a community? Isn't the starting point community rather than individual? And it certainly has nothing to do with organization...

There are many idols, but two which, I believe, particularly mesmerize the Western church, are individualism on the one hand, and love of organization on the other.

--Vincent J Donovan, Christianity Rediscovered, page 68-69.

I had to think a lot this week as I read this book. That's probably why it's an assigned reading in an evangelism class, in an MDiv program. That's also probably why my brain hurts... So many questions. What do we do with all of this!? So, we want to be in ministry somewhere. Organized? Not organized? Ordained? Lay? Does it matter? So, we will be in communities, because that's how people live--despite our fascination with individualism. I heard a quote in church yesterday; unfortunately it was a "someone once said" reference so I can't give full credit to the original speaker or research the original context. But "someone once said" that if we want to be successful, we need to choose our ancestors wisely. Funny joke, because we can pick our friends (and their noses) but we can't pick our family. Funny joke, because we can choose our communities wisely too---except, can we actually? Isn't that an individualistic understanding of the success that our communities will help us reach? And who defines "success" anyway? Isn't it weird when we disagree even within our own communities about what "success" might consist of? How can we reconcile this disagreement, especially when the interpretations we're disagreeing over are all based on specific understandings of the person and work of Jesus Christ, and specifically how that spills over into our individual-communal lives? How can we pull apart the effects of culture on our understanding and application of the gospel--it's like, telling the fish he's swimming in water. You take the fish out to explain how the water works, and while you explain he dies for lack of oxygen. (EG--trying to learn what the ever-elusive PostModernism is while living in a PoMo world--eventually I'll figure it out I spose!) That's the way it often is with 'culture' (and, in this case, by culture I mean: what humans of particular geographic-sociopolitical-liturgical-etc. communities have made of certain things like religious symbols, for example---uumm save that for a future blog post) and maybe we, as individual-communal beings, need to wonder how it should be with community. Does blogger have a footnote option!? That might be helpful...

one week one week one week one week one week one week one week one week one

2010-02-05T00:11:00.006-05:00

Dear: Camera.

You have no idea how excited I am to be reunited with you next week. I really hope that when you are well again, we will be making lots of lovely, colourful new memories together. ...and I promise I'll try really hard not to drop you again...

.what.a.day.

2010-01-13T00:15:00.003-05:00

Words are overrated. I wanted to say trite, but I looked it up and realize that's not the best idea.

Words are...narrow.

Narrow.

It's just amazing how, in one little part of the world, life---with all of its puny insecurities, frustrations, uncertainties, loneliness and disconnect---looks normal. And in another part of the world, a beloved pastor in a thriving, prayerful church is taken home to her LORD, leaving that thriving, prayerful church to mourn around the family she left behind, and to pray some more. And in another part of the world, an earthquake takes away the beloved fruit of so much labour, of so much of a community's hard work and prayerful dedication. Lives were graciously spared, others weren't.

All in one day.

And life, in one little part of the world, seems to just go on.

what happened this week at Urbana09?

2010-01-01T21:43:00.004-05:00

they say it takes 10-15 years to fully process all this stuff.

that doesn't mean that action has to wait 10-15 years, right?

sigh

2009-12-11T22:30:00.001-05:00

space cadet

2009-11-29T23:28:00.002-05:00

Standing at the peak where two waves meet
Are you just behind the other side of music?
Peering like a flower never taught to grow...

~FIF

Sometimes I feel like a wallflower in my own life.

Weird.

dear: heart.

2009-11-14T19:05:00.002-05:00

sure wish i had a colour for your ache.

should know by now

2009-11-13T00:20:00.000-05:00

late papers are the worst.

one of the last.

2009-11-06T19:06:00.000-05:00

dependence

2009-11-06T18:50:00.006-05:00

in the past two weeks, i have been confronted with my dependence on silly things.

last tuesday, when i lost my phone in kensington, it was like i'd lost my ability to get in touch with my family back in burlington...like i'd lost all contact (i did lose all my contacts---so if i'm not calling or texting you, it's because i don't have your number anymore. sorry!) with the world. replacing it was a headache, since koodo was having a bad week too. stress!

and this past monday, my dearly beloved camera fell to a sudden death on a parking lot in front of the lindt chocolate outlet in cambridge. all throughout this spectacular week i've sorely noted its absence like a missing finger poking a hole in my heart. and now it's another expensive thing to replace, do i really need it, that's a lot of money to spend, etc...

weird how we can get so attached to THINGS. i can't leave my house without: my camera, my phone, my wallet, my sunglasses, my journal, my bible--all of these necessary. i can go for days without actually using any of them directly or meaningfully, but as soon as i am physically separated from any of them or prevented somehow from answering any creative or devotional urge, then i can't even operate. weeiirrrdddd!!!

(i'm not saying my bible is a silly thing to be dependent on. i'm saying it's silly to need to carry it around so much when actually i don't take the opportunity to read it all the time. silly.)

so i'm learning to cherish every moment with my camera---when i replace it!---, phone, wallet, sunglasses, journal, bible.

learning to make moments meaningful with people, around these things.

stop yelling

2009-10-25T13:57:00.006-04:00

news flash!

disagreements happen. we're human, created with so many different pairs of eyes through which we see the world in so many different ways.

really!

once we understand that this is part of who we are, maybe we need to keep this in mind when we interact with each other.

also, maybe if we remember that this is part of who we are---that we are prone to disagree based on the amazing diversity with which God created us---maybe if we keep that in mind then people wouldn't be so mad when they misunderstand each other. maybe we wouldn't get so upset when we don't use the right words. (which words are right? who decides that?)

who's right, and who's wrong? maybe the wrong is with the person who finds fault with people who see differently. maybe the wrong is with the person who forgets that the other person will find fault with whatever they say. maybe the wrong is with the eggshells which break and reverberate through reality, warning of temper-stuous clouds breaking on the near horizon.

maybe the wrong is the original sin we have, which blinds us to the gloriously composite kaleidoscope image of God that we are failing so hard to offer up to him.

...can it NOT matter who's right and who's wrong? can we maybe get out of that mindset, and address our interactions from a common perspective---that of our shared original sin---rather than building walls between us with edgy words...?

i firmly believe that a communal dose of humble pie would help with that new communal perspective. new Communal Project: learn how to fit a detox treatment AND a mirror inside a humble pie.

penny for your thoughts?

2009-10-20T23:52:00.003-04:00

"Your brain is just too small for these big ideas.

One day, your brain will be bigger,

and then this will all make sense!"

My brilliant prof said this last week. Nice, eh?

It's so true.

some days.

2009-10-14T23:38:00.003-04:00

Sun, peeking through clouds and sunny leaves on a thanksgiving hike in cottage country.

Streetlight, peeking through fall leaves in the city.

Streetlights, refracting through bubbles and time in the city

(toronto nuit blanche 2009)

photos.

2009-09-20T20:00:00.000-04:00

...calm?

2009-09-09T21:23:00.000-04:00

yikes

2009-09-09T21:10:00.006-04:00

"10 efficient ways to manage your anger" or "anger management 101" is not going to solve anything. yelling my throat raw doesn't help, and neither does slamming doors. venting is a short-lived bandaid that needs replacement, in stronger doses, in a sneakily addictive way. and of course the root of the problem goes down so deep, deep into the very nature of who i am. it will most definitely be one of the most painful experiences of life to have that thing pulled out. i'm not even ready for that pain, but it needs to happen. needs to happen. needs to happen.

I WANT TO BE FREE.

!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-23T23:43:00.002-04:00

high on life right now! woot!

favourite

2009-08-11T23:41:00.002-04:00

you're driving

it's dark out

the road is a little bit hilly;

the fog creates a bit of a haze.

there's a car coming towards you, but it hasn't yet crested the hill.

its headlights silhouette the hilltop and the light descends toward you like a blanket,

illuminating the atmosphere.

2009-08-09T19:56:00.000-04:00

2009-08-09T19:52:00.000-04:00

<3

2009-08-09T19:47:00.000-04:00

Colours

2009-08-09T19:43:00.001-04:00

woot.

2009-08-08T00:07:00.005-04:00

today's verse: Lamentations 3:21 and 22. (and 23)

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

and there's more: They are NEW EVERY MORNING;

great is your faithfulness.

The whole "life is overwhelming...what shall I do with it...mine is so not together...what a failure...wasted that opportunity...buried the talents...the sky's the limit...be creative...be yourself" thing is scary, and it CONSUMES.

But! Don't worry about it!

God is bigger than the ends that don't appear to meet.

Dear Father, I need you...your strength my heart to mend.

I want to fly higher EVERY NEW DAY AGAIN.

trust and obey

2009-07-23T22:14:00.004-04:00

it's the weirdest feeling--thinking that you're NOT ready to get up and go, that you still need someone to hold your hand, but meanwhile having things like "growing up"

just happen

in this case, it's a dayplanner

bible league of canada is pushing me out of the nest

i waited every day for the Word, and he picked me up out of the depths. he's now using bloc to CLEARLY challenge me to get off my butt and do some seed sowing

but there's no way around it

i still feel inadequate, like there's still nothing in my heart to be overflowing to anyone. and yet feeling has not much to do with doing. Ruth committed, got over herself and just gave--and look at the blessings she received!

i get it. but there's still this huge divide between knowing something with your head (my eyes read the words on the page and my brain understands what they mean) and knowing something with your heart, hands, feet. (brain just kept the words and thought about them way too much

during a marathon trimming route in the rain

or something equally dumb)

goooooodd night

PS I just started reading Culture Making by Andy Crouch

I've been looking forward to this for so long

Soul Sisters

2009-07-15T23:24:00.004-04:00

A friend (a soul sister!!!) got me hooked on Bruxy's current series: Soul Sisters. The Meeting House is studying through the book of Ruth, and so far...it's been awesome. Kick in the Bum, and encouraging, and helpful, and...lots of things that sermons should be.

One of the things Bruxy mentioned this past Sunday was this: Other-Centredness rescues us from narcissistic egoism, arrogance and pride on one extreme, and from narcissistic depression on the other end of the spectrum.

Funny because you can KNOW something is true, and you can believe it...but believing it in your head doesn't mean anything unless you do it with your heart and your hands and your feet and all of you.

So through some of the choices I've made in the last few months (eg. my current summer job) I show that I don't believe this-----I have known for years that this job pushes me into a kind of self-absorption which seems necessary for survival. Outside of surviving, there's not much else that is allowed to demand my attention. If there is something, like all these crazy weekend adventures I've been having, it's awesome and a lot of fun but I end up pushing myself further and further in an attempt to catch up to 'real life'. I've got this weird mix of both extremes going on right now, and it's all I can do to keep track of who I am in the midst of those two extremes. I want neither of them to define any part of me, but as long as I deny their power, they are who I am.

But if Other-Centredness is an antidote to all this narcissism, how do I get there when I'm completely trapped in a cycle which completely drains all the energy I have? I can't centre myself or my life on others, because there's no self or life for me to centre.

"Love takes the initiative"

"Love your neighbour as yourself"

maybe that means "quit already"

Boldness!

where the 0 meets the 15

2009-07-09T23:00:00.001-04:00

2009-07-09T22:49:00.000-04:00

Favourites

2009-07-05T23:04:00.003-04:00

headache.

2009-06-15T22:42:00.001-04:00

baby robins!

2009-06-10T20:04:00.000-04:00

...gonna be empty-nesters soon...

journal shopping

2009-06-03T22:21:00.002-04:00

i'm pretty sure moleskine notebooks are waaaay too ridiculously over-priced.

Today's Verse: 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

2009-05-28T19:46:00.003-04:00

Bible League of Canada. You made my day.

I mean, God used you to make my day.

Thanks.

well then.

2009-05-15T21:47:00.004-04:00

is it ok for me to depend so much on the people, things, events, atmosphere (etc) around me for my spiritual health? is that a sign of immaturity? ...i don't know what i think about it. but it worries me, because sometimes the environment (including work, amount of sleep, etc) i'm in is just dry. dry dry dry.

and so then i am dry. dry dry dry. tired, frustrated, angry, and dry dry dry.

i wonder which came first. dry, then tired/frustrated/angry, or tired/frustrated/angry, then dry? or was it a combination of the two, growing into a complicated duo-snowball effect, tripping me up and then smothering me under mountains of dust, grass clippings, and blisters?

...pretty sure that tired/frustrated/angry doesn't really fit under the heading 'fruits of the Spirit'. also i'm pretty sure that 'patience' is definitely in that fruits of the Spirit list---oops. epic fail. but how does that fruits of the Spirit list function? is it a list of things to check off, as i accomplish them (as my attitude falls more in line with God?) and then when i can check them off, that's the Spirit's work...or 'maybe' the Spirit works and then those fruits appear...

ok. (just thinking out loud here. or, on the screen.) so when i'm tired/frustrated/angry, i know i'm not cooperating with the Holy Spirit. because there are no fruits. i'm too tired for fruits. so by choosing to spend my time the way i do right now, i'm choosing to put myself in a place where those fruits just don't happen. i walk out into a desert and wonder why my skin is all cracked and sore, why my soul is downcast, why i snap at the smallest, most insignificant little things.

ok and here's another analogy...i'm sitting in the desert, whining because i'm super thirsty and i KNOW where the water is, but it seems to always be just out of reach. obviously, when it's a life-or-death situation, there's this innate unstoppable urge to get to that water, whatever it takes. so why am i still sitting here whining about it? why am i whining about whining? ugh i make myself so mad. tired/frustrated/angry.

Gotta get up and get to know that Living Water. Duh.

psalm 42

2009-05-03T18:10:00.000-04:00

passed all my courses.

that's cool.

but I still dunno what to do now.

rain.

2009-04-28T20:51:00.002-04:00

Rainy days are amazing when you actually get to go home early, have a hot shower (super long, super hot), and not be soaked and cold all day. (this is the first rainday I can remember in recent EG history!? wow!)

But it gets a little awkward when it stops raining pretty soon after you get home... :)

Yann Fann

2009-04-19T22:18:00.002-04:00

iiiiiiiiii don't know.

2009-04-15T23:50:00.002-04:00

i just don't!

that's ok. i'm learning to not mind not knowing.

2009-04-08T13:24:00.004-04:00

even a shadow can make a difference in this world.

out of the depths

2009-04-06T01:14:00.003-04:00

psalm 130

...when the harvest time is over, and i still see no fruit

i will wait for you...

excerpt from an email i haven't sent yet.

2009-04-03T00:08:00.001-04:00

It's not always about being dissatisfied with things that we like or not, or just about being frustrated with perspectives that are different from ours. It's not even a matter of finding a place that's more comfortable to worship in, or where we feel more at home...

It's a matter of what the church is and who we Christians are called to be. Musical worship in the church service is only a small SMALL part of what our lives with Jesus are called to look like. It plays a role...but we know that the church as a whole plays a bigger role than just Sunday--the community it forms plays a huge role in how individuals are understanding Christianity...and it might just be that another community equips its members in a more effective way for that life transformation. It might just be.

I want to be there.

found some long-lost pictures on a memory card. heh.

2009-03-30T23:25:00.003-04:00

sometimes i think the things i say are so original. funny eh.

even the colour combination isn't going to be original.

no matter how hard i try.

so why worry about it?

2009-03-25T16:17:00.002-04:00

negative amounts of work ethic, motivation, desire to complete anything of importance.

bonus points for showing up to class?

what am i going to do with 'my' life...

2009-03-19T21:25:00.004-04:00

(PS: I'm a s l o w l e a r n e r these days.)

nile-denial

2009-03-15T23:28:00.005-04:00

God says:

don't go to egypt. stay where you are. i know it doesn't look safe where you are, and i know self-preservation runs in your veins. i know it goes against all logic to stay where you are. but i can bend those natural laws which promise danger, and i can teach you better how to rely on me if the stakes, like your physical safety, are higher. so obey me. stay in this land for a while and i will be with you and will bless you. if you stay in this land, i will build you up and not tear you down; i will plant you and not uproot you.

[genesis26, jeremiah42]

my question* is this:

what land am i in?

what's today's egypt? (denial, duh---sorry, bad re-pun)

does this mean i have to stay in school?

stay in my church?

stay in the messy little room i share with my sister in my parents' house?

*i'm slowly learning to listen. selective interpretation/obedience is tempting. but that totally defeats the purpose of wanting to learn to listen in the first place. duh.

ok ok ok ok ok!!!!

2009-03-10T23:43:00.003-04:00

I get it.

Sort of.

Just need some help getting it from the weird CanRef brain to the normal human-needs-JC heart.

adventure starts...NOW

2009-03-09T22:29:00.002-04:00

So far, so good...or so they say from Mission Control

The deep of space is no place for a fragile human soul

The rockets burn as servos click and turn and fall into their place

Robots can't cry, don't laugh, can't die in the darkness of space

He is strong, made of steel, with the graphite lining

Watch his eyes flicker slow like the batteries are dying

Space Robot 5, is he alive?

So very alone, so far from home

Three strands of wire, threefold the tie that binds

She is the one thing on the earth for which he still pines

To his heart, she was life

So he prays to his Maker with a sigh

As his fire sputters out, because robots never cry

Space Robot 5, is he alive?

So very alone, so far from home

Space Robot 5, is he alive?

So very alone, so far from home

~Space Robot 5~Brave Saint Saturn~

pretty much sums it up right there. ish.

lights again

2009-03-05T15:19:00.001-05:00

...

illuminati comin thru

2009-02-25T10:40:00.000-05:00

horizons

2009-02-19T19:05:00.002-05:00

horizons are broadening with every new day

scary, but true.

embrace!

P.S.

2009-02-13T01:17:00.002-05:00

I often write 'gah' to convey frustration.

The current frustration word is just a step further: nnggggyyaaahahh. This is essentially the same thing as before, only with a slightly more nasal sound. The more frustrated you are, the more nasal sounding your 'gah'.

Frustration is now a science...or a study in linguistics maybe.

embruchure

2009-02-13T01:01:00.003-05:00

Seriously! You should SEE the list of stuff I have to do:

-Readings for Leading Missional Congregations

-Online quiz on those readings (have until Feb 22)

-Readings for Christ among the Religions:

---John Hick

---Karl Barth (done)

---Rahner

---Pannenberg (have to present next week anyway---better read it!)

-Online discussion/questions on Rahner and Pannenberg. (Due today--I already went online and said that I'm not done reading yet...might as well be honest about it!)

-Find a place of worship that's NOT Christian...go there...and write a 6-10 page paper on your experience. (due feb23)

-Write a Congregation and Community Analysis. (includes taking a look at the last 10 years' annual reports in your community...uhoh) (due feb26)

-READ Cynthia Bourgeault/Centering Prayer (1/3 done! yay!)

-READ Richard Foster/the Celebration of Discipline, write 2pg book review. (due feb21)

-Think about writing a 4pg primary source analysis on Origen's song of songs homily for feb25.

uuuummmmmm there's more. But that's what Reading Week looks like...

AND the best way to start off the week is to decide to learn how to play my trumpet. Funny how many 'how to clean a trumpet' videos there are out there on youtube...my trumpet is going to be SO clean by the end of next week. AND I am building a bag next week. AND I am going to Kingston this weekend with some family/friends. AND I have a Jenna Lane date next week. AND band practice, maybe x 2. AND a knitting date. AND a LOST date. AND an hour a day prayer date.

AND I think I am going crazy.

(1 2 3 4 5 6 switch)

2009-02-04T23:56:00.003-05:00

Once upon a time, about six years ago, I made a choice. At the time, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. All it meant was a longer commute and a better degree...and a whole new world... The comfort zone bubble that I thought I'd left behind soon grew to include the amazing people I met and worshipped with on campus. I learned some amazing things about this faith that I profess. I was challenged on what I believe; they threw a microphone in front of me and asked me to lead; I learned how to read the Bible. I learned that when God speaks, amazing things happen--kind of like the butterfly effect. I learned that God gets intimately involved in things like where words fall on a page.

I was safe though. I could go home at the end of the day; I could reserve evenings for band practice and girls' nights out and sitting at home reading a book; I could show up at church and support this community where I've still got some semblance of what we would call roots. What kind of choice did I make six years ago? What kinds of choices have I been making since then? What have I really been learning all this time?

So I'm not surprised now to find myself at the end of something. The thing I chose out of six years ago is now choosing for me. And by that I mean, it's making the choice and I don't have much of a say in what gets decided. Did I create a monster by choosing a path that might meander out of here...or did I just try something new, thinking the experience might be enriching? I'm definitely thinking both are true...and this new, enriching monster has now got me cornered.

There is a way out...a cliff...and beyond that I'm hoping JC's got a magic carpet or something. The catch seems to be that all that I hold dear, all that I pretend is what holds me back in my familiar world, all of this old christendom community stuff that's following me around, all that pretty much defines my life...all of this is just not for me. It's safe and there's a fence by the cliff to keep me from falling, but...I know the cliff is where I need to go...but...

So what's it gonna be? Does it have to be either/or? Can it not be a both/and situation? I'm guessing it's either/or---I needed some sheer circumstances to make this a meaningful decision...and I think we've maybe got some sheerness going on here.

The thing about the cliff is that it works metaphorically...but in real life, I have no idea what it looks like to let this community-weaning/magic-carpet-ride process happen...

dangit more choices.