apologies

hi

been a while

i'm not proud of this blog anymore. i don't know what happened. lately my posts have been really negative...well, they've been sort of negative the whole time, right? ...i'm not proud of my life. i'm not incredibly happy with it...but it's what i've got right now. it's what God gave me--obviously he's got some ideas for what i can do with it...or, to put it more accurately, what he can do with me...

why does that sound so negative? it sounds reluctant...like...sigh, sure God, i'll try...after i sleep...and i'm gonna complain the whole time too...

i don't want to be like this. i used to be really cheerful. i still can pretend to be cheerful, so people don't worry or think i'm strange----doesn't help---- but i used to really be cheerful! and i WANT so much to be cheerful again. to be happy. to feel joy and to live life to the fullest...once again i'm floating through life. bouncing off of various people instead of really meeting them and making contact, letting them in, really getting to know them, as a brother or sister in the LORD.

when you're floating through life, like i am right now, you miss out on so much. i watch people interact all the time, there's so much joy in life. people have these passions, things that they love and that they'll stay up all night to do, like playing poker, or going out dancing...and i kind of have this passion for a passion for life, for experiencing this, but i don't know where to start. maybe i just stopped. because i can also watch people hurt---the emotional extremes that i don't recognize in my own life, but i see all around me...and sometimes those extremes don't look all that appetizing, therefore i keep floating...

i've gotten to the point where...i don't recognize myself anymore. somewhere behind that fake, flakey cheerful face, is a lot of negativity and sarcasm, and hopefully underneath that is me...without the fake flakeyness, without the negativity and sarcasm...add some personality, some genuine social skills and a little common sense, and a big shot of confidence or self-esteem...(does not include spectacular chewy double chocolate cookies. you are not my friend just because i bake good cookies. ;-p ) add to that...well, no. start with God's pottery wheel, go from there. if he wants to build me up with social skills, common sense and confidence, that'd be awesome. if not...i really hope he's planning to be there to pull me up out of the gutter more often because that's where i am right now, and the horizon doesn't look so bright, at least for a few months.

well, now that i've gotten all that crap out...why? why do i write it all in this blog for everyone to read, while i'm still putting up that fake flakey cheerful mask? why bother!? it doesn't make any sense. i really shouldn't publish this post...except that, sometimes, there's no one to tell this stuff to, and right now i just need to say it. tomorrow i'll probably regret it. but today, i need to say it. and you can probably see right through it all anyways...better than i can.

Yes, i feel better. the chocolate helped too. :) but seriously---even just typing it out...bouncing this stuff off of people that i pretend are reading my blog---probably no one---it seems to help. and also knowing that a huge part of the solution to this thing that's bothering me would be just to draw near to God...to read his word and learn it...'to gain self control, give God control' is on a church sign in burlington---it's a great reminder when i drive past it every day and i read the different inspirational quotes that they put on that sign...except when i get home i'm so tired from work and from thinking about this stuff all day that i read three verses and fall asleep before i'm done praying. i'm also not proud of this part of my life...which is the most important part of course...

so, i keep coming to a turning point. and i keep turning back...going all over the place and in circles and all kinds of stuff...instead of the direct line to God which i'd like it to be. good thing God's all over the place, eh. makes it easier to reach him when he reaches out to me first...