i finished this book half an hour ago. it's amazing! beautiful! resonating. donald miller has a way with words, with honesty, with conviction. i really enjoyed it...and bluelikejazzlive is coming to UofT on wednesday october 5th: http://bluelikejazz.lookcloser.org is where you can find information and a map and ticket prices etc. i'm really looking forward to it.
i also recently read captivating, by john and stasi eldridge and i have no idea if i spelled their last name right...but it was good too. as was evangelism for 'normal' people, by dr john bowen.
these are books about christianity.
all of them are books about christianity in a very different sense than what i have experienced in my own church, family, life. they're all so beautiful and encouraging and i love it.
but i have read them all so fast, because i love what i'm reading and i want to hear more of what the author has to say, that a few things stick in my mind and other things get overlapped and i can't remember what is what anymore. some details stick out from the muddle...but i have read each book with the intention of reading it again, slowly and taking notes. but this re-reading will occur after all the people that i've promised to lend the book out to have read it. which means that meanwhile, i have all these cool ideas floating around in my head along with all these good intentions of changing for the better and all of this...yet my walk of life as a child of God hasn't changed much, except maybe for maybe wanting more change.
one recurring theme in bluelikejazz, besides the jazziness of life, hehe, is that self-addiction is a huuuuge, major problem for humanity. this is something that i struggle with also (duh---i AM human) but if you would refer back to a post called introspection on narcissism (spelling? i dunno) i think this is sort of what i had in mind when i posted that blog...all those weeks ago.
i really enjoyed bluelikejazz...and i'd like to work through it and the things that don miller learned in his own walk with God, and apply it to my life. my fear is that...just reading about his convictions is not enough to convict me of various changes in my life, of various things relating to christian spirituality, and of my own faith. the different scenes and episodes which don pieces together in bluelikejazz were big events in his life, they occurred over the span of months, even years, and others occurred in just moments. my life will not have one big turning point, obviously--especially since i'm human and i fail, and none of this determined-to-change-ness of mine will help me at all without the power of the Holy Spirit...
reading a book that someone wrote about his own life and relationship with our heavenly Father, hearing the testimonies of close friends who have been through a heck of a lot to learn what they've learned about God, is not the same as experiencing it, or wanting to experience it, for myself. secondhand christian spirituality is great, but i'd love to be there myself! diving into the Bible, spending excess amounts of time in prayer, learning more and more (through reading these books and hearing testimonies) about living the Christian life, will bring this experience closer...but somehow i don't know, i'm not sure that i can pinpoint one specific moment,where i've fallen passionately in love with Jesus.
you know that floaty sort of unattached way that a lot of people, especially me, live? this is one way that i classify my christian spirituality. floaty, unattached. singing on friday at living worship was a small break in this fog...yet i worry because this is such a small moment in the grand scheme of things. and again,
i find that sometimes--well, often---i'm on the outside, not really experiencing true communion with God, simply because i don't know how to get there. like, i need to meet him, but i don't know when and where he wants to meet. meanwhile, he is everywhere all the time, so i don't know what my problem is.
i suspect that i'm too much of a follower---i very often look to others to see how to act with people, how to conduct a conversation and which facial expressions to insert when and where. what is socially acceptable. what sort of outfit matches together and whether i'll be comfortable wearing it in a certain crowd.
each christian's relationship with God looks different from others...and is deeply personal yet also deeply rooted in community with other christians. i cannot continue to compare my own walk with others'---because this is unhealthy---, yet i need to have at least a vague picture in my mind of what sort of lifestyle is required of me, as a believer in Christ, before i can tackle the thought of walking so close with Jesus. and yet, all of this is head knowledge--i can tell it to my heart till i'm blue in the face, but somehow i don't feel this message is properly received. i seem to be in a bit of a dilemma. good thing God is good...all the time.
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