practical

you think about some really strange things when you do a lot of weeding. totally become an introvert---landscaping is a team thing but it's also such a huge amount of time spent by yourself. you even have earplugs in so you can hear things like your back/hip crunching (every step with my left foot. cruch. crunch. crunch. time to visit the chiropractor) very in tune with myself...yet not. tuesdays are kinda bad...ridering sladeview is ok (forever!) but then trimming there forever after that...and knowing we should be at laird soon but there's tons to do still...and then getting to laird. trimming at laird really almost makes me suicidal. it's kinda scary! good thing we skipped the whole place today, can't handle too much laird. love burnt toasted brown grass. good for long weekend plans. anyway, i don't know what it was, but i was pretty angry most of the day...angry angry angry...and i don't know why! in a very practical way, i KNOW i have better, happier things to think about, to be cheerful about, to be thankful for, to focus on... (all day i had camping weekend in my head. forgot it was only tuesday. stupid---happy about long weekend yet grouchy that it's not here yet? grow up!)
so i'm practically saying 'smarten up' 'stop being such a bitch' 'try smiling for once' 'it's not all about you' and other mini pep talks which don't help. it's like i want to find a practical reason for this totally irrational unreasonable anger. is that possible? it's like in my practical mind, i want to talk myself out of a depression...hello, depression is chemical, not psychological or simply an attitude issue. it's like, in my practical head, God's sort of a concept, but he's not really very practical. or close. this is scary. i don't want to be practical. except for sleep, sleep is good.

and volleyball is also good---except, too much anger, and all those crazy powerhouse serves bomb straight into the net. 2 for 4 tonight, what's going on!?