and the anchorperson on tv...is how i feel right now.
life is going on like crazy all around me.
up until september started, i was right in the thick of it. and somehow, in a backwards way, loving most of my crazy busy life. especially its craziness. september was a little different; still crazy and hectic and fun, but altogether enjoyable and in vacation mode simply because i was in europe.
when i got back halfway through october, i hopped right back into ecf, LW, sculpture class, making weekly gym dates and other commitments, all kinds of bible studies and group events, because now i have all this time on my hands. gotta fill it up. with little things. this is the longest time since grade nine that i haven't had a job to work around...and i'm definitely not used to this not working business. (eg. not spending! duh!)
so...i don't have a job. i've half heartedly applied here and there, but definitely not like i'm too excited to start working. (even as i literally drive myself deeper and deeper into debt)
i feel like i'm supposed to be bumming right now, taking a break from all the junk that was killing me before...figuring out what exactly that was (besides landscaping?) and fixing that. i feel like this is what i need to be focusing on right now, like this is the perfect opportunity to do that. but i still feel guilty about sitting around. especially since i'm used to being the one running around from school to work to meeting to coffee date to breakfast date to bible study to work again and missing dinner with the family at home... and now someone else is in that spot...and it's weird...
...and i've been bumming for a while and haven't had any epiphanies...
so get a job already! flip! but, when i get that job, and i'm back to juggling friends and ecf and friends and school and work (haha funny priority list!) am i going to take out the time that i need to focus on where my life is going!? heck no. you know i won't. i'll avoid focusing. i'll avoid it like the plague! i'll keep filling up my time with everything else to do. all those little comfortable unimportant things like blogging and facebook and putting beads on string. (ok, that last one is not unimportant. it's just not going to put much gas in my car. or build faith in my heart. or bring me any closer to a career choice.)
and after all of that ranting and raving against myself, i'm not feeling any better. i know where i'm at, mostly, and it's a very weird and uncomfortable place. i don't need to beat myself up about being there, or about getting out of this place, i just need to get off my butt and DO something! GO somewhere else then! where the grass is greener. and where i'm not the one cutting it!
it's not such a difficult concept you know. but there are so many little things that make up a big picture.
life is going on like crazy all around me.
up until september started, i was right in the thick of it. and somehow, in a backwards way, loving most of my crazy busy life. especially its craziness. september was a little different; still crazy and hectic and fun, but altogether enjoyable and in vacation mode simply because i was in europe.
when i got back halfway through october, i hopped right back into ecf, LW, sculpture class, making weekly gym dates and other commitments, all kinds of bible studies and group events, because now i have all this time on my hands. gotta fill it up. with little things. this is the longest time since grade nine that i haven't had a job to work around...and i'm definitely not used to this not working business. (eg. not spending! duh!)
so...i don't have a job. i've half heartedly applied here and there, but definitely not like i'm too excited to start working. (even as i literally drive myself deeper and deeper into debt)
i feel like i'm supposed to be bumming right now, taking a break from all the junk that was killing me before...figuring out what exactly that was (besides landscaping?) and fixing that. i feel like this is what i need to be focusing on right now, like this is the perfect opportunity to do that. but i still feel guilty about sitting around. especially since i'm used to being the one running around from school to work to meeting to coffee date to breakfast date to bible study to work again and missing dinner with the family at home... and now someone else is in that spot...and it's weird...
...and i've been bumming for a while and haven't had any epiphanies...
so get a job already! flip! but, when i get that job, and i'm back to juggling friends and ecf and friends and school and work (haha funny priority list!) am i going to take out the time that i need to focus on where my life is going!? heck no. you know i won't. i'll avoid focusing. i'll avoid it like the plague! i'll keep filling up my time with everything else to do. all those little comfortable unimportant things like blogging and facebook and putting beads on string. (ok, that last one is not unimportant. it's just not going to put much gas in my car. or build faith in my heart. or bring me any closer to a career choice.)
and after all of that ranting and raving against myself, i'm not feeling any better. i know where i'm at, mostly, and it's a very weird and uncomfortable place. i don't need to beat myself up about being there, or about getting out of this place, i just need to get off my butt and DO something! GO somewhere else then! where the grass is greener. and where i'm not the one cutting it!
it's not such a difficult concept you know. but there are so many little things that make up a big picture.
i'm going to write a book.
about those little things.
about those little things.
5 comments:
hey babe,
want to come to new orleans with me in january? help buid homes, schools that were destroyed because of the huricanes??
I feel the same way about wanting to do SOMEthing...and i have january off-ish soooo, i NEED to do something or i might go nuts.
its not in stone, but an idea anyways.
lets talk sometime!
Chin up, eh!
xo
julia
hey julia!
i'd love to---but i have school starting fulltime again in january. gotta get this degree done...
thanks though!
awesome idea--i'll be praying for you!
hey Justine ... my book'll be out simultaneously ...
;)
All the best for life
oh! plans are on the table, under the spotlight, getting dissected .. for a december-date. More on that later but keep the month open. haha
jk
see you,
elaine
sweet! thanks elaine! i'm super excited for december now.
i'll dedicate my book to you!
Myy friend, you know the nonsense about the grass being greener on the other side? They had something there. I am possibly that greener grass because I have a job, I'm at school fulltime and doing crazy ecf drama. Trust me, you look like a rich field of spinach to me girl...lol. I'd love to be where you are, and I'm sure you want to be where I am with a job and junk. It's not that fun, it's all about how you take it, what you learn from it and what you plan to do afterwards. I think that if I did stop I wouldn't start again, which makes it good that I have school to go to and committments. Relax, stop kicking yourself in the head because eventually all it's going to be is one big sore spot with huge pain attached. Just put your earnest intentions out into the universe, say thank you for it, and it will most certainly be coming your way. Maybe the fact that you're itching so much and restless means that it is time for you to do something. You know, we always put in calls to God but we never give him a chance to pick up. So aye, let him pick up, see what happens. IMHO, I you're incredible, you're awesome in my life and I can't wait to see what masterpiece God makes you into.
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