...............maybe...

i am such a spaz

i definitely went from sitting around on my bum doing nothing with my life---and being stressed about the amount of nothing i was doing...to this. (working 2 jobs, party hopping, and not making time for me. or God, for that matter). it's been a week and a half at zellers and i'm already turning into a bear. i make fun of people who handle stress this way! irrational annoyances, indeed. this is stupid. and then i go obsessing about something new, and it's all i think about...so i'm adding that on top of my general levels of irrational annoyances... (credit for that phrase goes to candice and/or sarah) (!?) and it's funny actually--i do some pretty stupid things when i'm this mad...

anyways i'd like to be 'normal' again, if that's alright. but i'm not sure that will happen. i just want to find a happy medium between work and 'real life'. a job where i'm not dying inside. a 'social' life, and things that define me, that i don't have to give up for work. a niche that's my own mess and not someone else's, where things that go wrong are my own fault and i can rationally stop this irrational blaming of others for things that really are my fault... i want a lot out of life...but i want to be able to be content with a lot less. but i'm not sure i can...

i think this is the artist in me---except, i'm like the artist for whom i have no respect. the one who can't cope with 'real life', but who can't come up with anything that really warrants being 'exempt' from 'real life'. the one who isn't producing enough art to deserve to freeload and mooch off others. the one who really should just bite the bullet and get a job, because someone's gotta put food on the table. ugh.














i bought a new journal today! a cheapie hilroy from zellers. $0.97! oh wait, with the employee discount, that was a really good deal.



i also treated myself to a sexy new sharpie...














AND! hang out time with DALIA tomorrow! heck yeah!