Once upon a time, my closest friends knew me better than I knew myself. This next statement is very general--- but sometimes now I feel like they often don't know who I am. Can't communicate, can't function in a friendship. Speaking in two different languages, about entirely different subject matter. Loss of interest? I don't know. Too busy: a very sad fact.
This says nothing like 'ugh, I wish they would try better to understand me.' It did at one point, until I realized that the reason they knew me better than I knew myself, once upon a time, was because they did! And now, looking back, I know that I have changed, and grown up. So the understanding that I had of myself back then is obsolete, replaced wih something different. Not near complete, of course, and sometimes more confusing than before. And I've blogged about this before, how people understood me back in 10th grade and they've kept me in that box, and continue to treat me as if I were still there. At that time, I was casting blame everywhere else, assuming that those people simply hadn't grown themselves, so they wouldn't know how to recognize this new, mature me. But how can I blame someone else for what naturally happens over time, and for something I'm also partly responsible for? I'm pretty sure the thing that prompts blame-shifting is the loneliness that comes from having grown up, and having not yet learned how to communicate in this grown up state with other grown up kids around me. There's a small amount of panic in this situation; over the years it's led to some relatively introverted behaviours, which I still enjoy, and I'm not planning to give them up anytime soon. (for various reasons, including this one) It's also led to some nasty behaviours, some frustration and some silences, which need to go. This will take a lot of work, which I'm not really excited about, but it's better than staying here by myself.
It's kinda like having a growth spurt--you grow, you're kind of sore because of the changes you're experiencing, but it's not a bad kind of pain. The weird/hard thing is having to buy all new clothes, and having to learn how to walk all over again with hips and with longer legs.
Ye. So let's apply these new life lessons.
This says nothing like 'ugh, I wish they would try better to understand me.' It did at one point, until I realized that the reason they knew me better than I knew myself, once upon a time, was because they did! And now, looking back, I know that I have changed, and grown up. So the understanding that I had of myself back then is obsolete, replaced wih something different. Not near complete, of course, and sometimes more confusing than before. And I've blogged about this before, how people understood me back in 10th grade and they've kept me in that box, and continue to treat me as if I were still there. At that time, I was casting blame everywhere else, assuming that those people simply hadn't grown themselves, so they wouldn't know how to recognize this new, mature me. But how can I blame someone else for what naturally happens over time, and for something I'm also partly responsible for? I'm pretty sure the thing that prompts blame-shifting is the loneliness that comes from having grown up, and having not yet learned how to communicate in this grown up state with other grown up kids around me. There's a small amount of panic in this situation; over the years it's led to some relatively introverted behaviours, which I still enjoy, and I'm not planning to give them up anytime soon. (for various reasons, including this one) It's also led to some nasty behaviours, some frustration and some silences, which need to go. This will take a lot of work, which I'm not really excited about, but it's better than staying here by myself.
It's kinda like having a growth spurt--you grow, you're kind of sore because of the changes you're experiencing, but it's not a bad kind of pain. The weird/hard thing is having to buy all new clothes, and having to learn how to walk all over again with hips and with longer legs.
Ye. So let's apply these new life lessons.
1 comment:
i love you Justine. thanks for being a friend to me. thanks for the great chill time yesterday. i like hanging out with you...all day:) i hope i can be as good a friend as you've been to me.
Post a Comment