is it ok for me to depend so much on the people, things, events, atmosphere (etc) around me for my spiritual health? is that a sign of immaturity? ...i don't know what i think about it. but it worries me, because sometimes the environment (including work, amount of sleep, etc) i'm in is just dry. dry dry dry.
and so then i am dry. dry dry dry. tired, frustrated, angry, and dry dry dry.
i wonder which came first. dry, then tired/frustrated/angry, or tired/frustrated/angry, then dry? or was it a combination of the two, growing into a complicated duo-snowball effect, tripping me up and then smothering me under mountains of dust, grass clippings, and blisters?
...pretty sure that tired/frustrated/angry doesn't really fit under the heading 'fruits of the Spirit'. also i'm pretty sure that 'patience' is definitely in that fruits of the Spirit list---oops. epic fail. but how does that fruits of the Spirit list function? is it a list of things to check off, as i accomplish them (as my attitude falls more in line with God?) and then when i can check them off, that's the Spirit's work...or 'maybe' the Spirit works and then those fruits appear...
ok. (just thinking out loud here. or, on the screen.) so when i'm tired/frustrated/angry, i know i'm not cooperating with the Holy Spirit. because there are no fruits. i'm too tired for fruits. so by choosing to spend my time the way i do right now, i'm choosing to put myself in a place where those fruits just don't happen. i walk out into a desert and wonder why my skin is all cracked and sore, why my soul is downcast, why i snap at the smallest, most insignificant little things.
ok and here's another analogy...i'm sitting in the desert, whining because i'm super thirsty and i KNOW where the water is, but it seems to always be just out of reach. obviously, when it's a life-or-death situation, there's this innate unstoppable urge to get to that water, whatever it takes. so why am i still sitting here whining about it? why am i whining about whining? ugh i make myself so mad. tired/frustrated/angry.
Gotta get up and get to know that Living Water. Duh.
psalm 42
4 comments:
I find this happens to me in the summer too. I think something that you need to force yourself to do, even when you're tired and busy after work, is to keep up journalling and reading the Word, even if you don't feel like it. That will help...especially if your summer's usually lack that regular journalling etc that happens during the rest of the year.
At least, that's what my plan B is this summer. I don't like it when summers are spiritually dry.
Heh.
yeah. and today, at a wedding, pastor bill talked about phil 4. rejoice in the lord, let your gentleness be evident to all, do not be anxious but be at PEACE. haha.
gentleness=forbearance=putting others first. happens when we're joyful/at peace/growing spiritually.
i'm not gentle when i'm dry dry dry. ugh.
but it's true, my summer journalling consists of 'why am i so angry' and 'i'm too tired to figure it out now'.
Wow. I've been experiencing this to the max... I don't think it helps that I'm working nights and wasting away mornings/afternoons.
Ironic: Verification has 'dries' in it.
Some days I feel the same.
Some days I love my job because I know that I can leave it any second and never look back. My job doesn't bother me anymore. I know I do a good job, (heck, stine, I know you do a good job) and so I won't get fired, and if mistakes happen, they happen, if people get angry, they'll get over it and it is best to help them along to that. Heh, unhappy customers. I take so much joy in the breaks. I read about other worlds and other people, I gain some wisdom. Or try anyways. The work is dry for me too, but the breaks bring the moisture. And that tides over my thirst even for a little while.
Also, work can be not-so-dry. I wish I could explain how. (iPod sure as heck helps). Just know that by pushing a lawn mower or using a blower, you too are working in the Garden of Eden, making God happy by caring for his creation. He made it so that the beauty of it would require interaction.
We need to have coffee and throw stones in the lake.
be prayin for you.
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