blogging

rollercoaster
hasn't stopped yet
i think i'm grasping at straws
one minute i'm fine
the next, everything's in pieces on the floor
detached
not even bleeding
doesn't even hurt
just a little numb
but beneath the numbness
my heart's too full for words
so full of confusion
words can't express...whatever it is i'm full of it sure is difficult to categorize
obsessive compulsive? i want to classify my life
find out what's wrong with me and fix it
now
one minute i think i'm possibly learning something about myself
nailing one fact down
one thing
then i turn around and everything else is upside down
and this monster crush that i'm dealing with---it's so big that i float through it as well. i know for sure it's there...it's a reality, whatever God decides
but this one person can't figure me out and keep my feet on the ground
only my God--my ROCK--can do that
because whatever is in my heart--i really don't know what is--good thing the holy spirit's good with languages.

right now, the biggest question in my life is HOW am i going to convey all of this in a painting...or some other sort of visual expression? would it be beautiful?('captivating'--every woman's question: am i beautiful--right, girls?) i wonder if i can sum it all up in a few simple strokes of my beloved brush---that would be nice. it would make my complex (oh-so-complex) life look so easy. imagine that! and would the finished product actually tell you about the stuff i've got inside me? would it be discernable? would the viewer look at it and feel the way i feel? --uncomfortable? insecure? detached? would i learn anything interesting about myself? (yeah, probably) would it be worth it? (yeah) would i die trying? (hhmm) would i like the finished product? would it look the way God wants it to look? would i be willing to paint it the way God wanted me to...and how would i know what God's designs were? i have a hard time reading people, reading between the lines...the bible stumps me sometimes...God, you know how obvious i need you to be---open my eyes, please?


another question: how am i going to get through all of this if i don't wake up. i'd SO much rather crack open a good book and lose myself in someone else's life until i fall asleep... and painting makes such a big mess, it gets everywhere and it's so time consuming and you have to clean so much (especially oils--SMELLY) and i don't have much room to paint and
i REALLY WANT TO PAINT

so just do it already!