aaarrrgghhh

i worked with a guy this summer, his name is chris. he quit halfway through the summer, found something that was more in his field (business...) he had a lot of interesting things to say, one of which was describing something that he and his friends did periodically. they would sit around, drinking beer or whatever their favourite drink was...and cut each other up. they'd be honest with each other about things that bothered them. things like 'you chew with your mouth open and it's gross' or 'you know, when you're talking to this person, you act like an idiot'....stuff like that.
now, i don't think this sounds like a very christian thing to do (sposed to build each other up, not tear down!)...but it does sound somewhat helpful (positive criticism)---i'm ALWAYS criticizing myself, i'm kind of interested to hear if other people would criticize me for the same things i do. if what matters to me in myself matters to others. if they notice that sometimes i say awful things...or that sometimes i can be quite rude...and also, i'm a space cadet---i miss a LOT of what might be obvious to everyone around me.
i'm also terrible at reading people, so i get pretty stressed out trying to figure out what someone's reaction is to things that i say or do, to see if i need to work on something or other...

i remember reading somewhere that around the age of 20, people tend to have a small 'midlife crisis'....i'm not saying i'm getting old, just saying that i've come to about a quarter of the way through my third out of four years of university and i've got NO idea what i'm doing or why i'm doing it. no plans, no goals, no life-long passions driving me to reach the highest possible grades in all of my classes---it's not that i don't care about that b minus becoming a bplus...it just doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things because, from my perspective right now, there IS no grand scheme of things. besides the one God's privy to, but i have no idea what it looks like right now...
and i've recently, over the past week, decided that french class does not belong in the grand scheme of things. however, dropping french would require the grand scheme of things to make up for the credit somewhere else: either summer school, a fifth year, lots of last minute classes downtown next semester which might not help me afterall, or just a really busy fourth year. none of these really excite me at all, and i know i'll regret not taking french...but...why take french? the minor will be difficult---2 courses next year! eek...and, i dunno...

so there's issues regarding plans which include school...what to study, why, when, etc. i want to FINISH my university degree and take craft/design at sheridan. that's three more years...argh. but right now, because it's what i want to do, i want to do it. it's pretty much the only arrow i've got pointing anywhere...
there are other issues. regarding other things. i want to sit down and compartmentalize my life, write down everything, and all the small life-improvement goals like tithing properly, cleaning up my room, getting my wisdom teeth pulled, learning cello...and i'd like to conquer these goals one at a time, so i can cross them off my list and do a victory dance for each one. but i'm discovering more and more my need to focus on one thing at a time...and a huge sense of panic and freakoutness if i do too much...which is frustrating because i like to do a lot.
hahaha

slowly working through my brain...maybe i really shouldn't be writing this stuff on the internet?