and i'm still not sure what exactly i'm trying to say with it.
it's sort of an...exercise in spiritual growth, i suppose. the reason i'm posting it is because...well, i don't really know why. pretty much because i can type on here faster than i can write with a pen in my 'analog blog' and hopefully will be able to organize my thoughts in a more efficient manner..haha...
so, 'it all started' this morning while i was trying to read roland barthes for an AH class...and i jotted down this note on the top of a page (jotted it so i'd look at it after i was done reading. right): 'testimonial essay on attending/participating in fellowship canadian reformed church at burlington south'...actually this started earlier this week. (learning about community at ECF fallretreat) issues of becoming aware of the facts that i like my church but don't love it (or the other way around? doesn't matter?), i don't have to love everything about it but i DO need to participate more(contributing and sharing my gifts to build others up)(but my church seems to not be very conducive to this sort of activity, or even to changing to maybe improve in this way) and realizing that people are people are people and everything(so much more than i thought) is relational (read 'searching for God knows what' by donald miller)
i WAS thinking about telling you all about how i came to these 'conclusions'--also so that i have it in 'black and white' and can come back to read it and relearn---but i've forgotten details already. so now i have the concepts, but not the details. i've decided that's ok---i do concepts without details. that's me.
yeah, so 'testimonial essay...' has become 'testimonial teacup' or 'testimonial nutshell'. i did enjoy learning these things, and i will hopefully enjoy finding ways to apply what i've learned to my life...not by myself of course, because i won't be able to. (hi, God!)
so, today we were studying psalm 116 in small group. it's beautiful. go read it. there's SO much----a narrative (psalmist was suffering/cried out to God/who saves/therefore/i will praise the LORD) and a basic action-action-response-ripple sort of structure. this psalmist (maybe david, maybe not) is funny--he goes from speaking to a third person, to speaking to God, then speaking to himself...and back again, and to the entire community of believers, and all over the place. at first he sounds a little looney because of this. but look how honest he is. about what was going on before God saved him, and during salvation, and after salvation. and how authentic he is (this is also something i realized lately. authenticity is cool--when i and other people are authentic, i learn more about me, besides learning a lot about others)...and if this psalm is a response to salvation, and in joy, and sort of a journal/diary/blog account of the psalmist's spiritual journey...and he's talking to SO many people authentically...being incredibly vulnerable in telling people, himself, and God about his vows and how he feels about God...
ok. all this to point out that he talks to himself(as well as others). authentically. and vulnerably. and i need to do that too. in order to get ANYWHERE in life, in love, in Christ, in relationships with friends. earlier i had thought that my 'opening statement' would be something like 'when i was dating so-and-so, mom told me i shouldn't be dating until i *knew myself*' and i had no idea what she meant by that one...figured it would come about somehow eventually...but now it makes sense--i've never been too entirely sure about what's going on, in relationships, in regular life, etc-i've just been floating through a lot of it...if not most of it. (doesn't mean i'm ready to get married or anything, just something to think about when so many close friends are tyin the knot)
but now the questions come up---does this getting to know oneself happen intentionally?!?? will it happen if i'm searching really hard for it? does this happen automatically for some people, and if so, why not me?
earlier i had resigned myself to the thought that i'm just a disconnected kind of person--some people are really relationally blessed, others like me are relationally challenged, and this is just a thorn in the flesh to live with. that's ok, if it's true, i'm fine with what God's given me to work with, as long as he's there with me giving me strength and pretty much doing all the work for me---but if it's possible to work with it and be happy (because i KNOW i'm missing a lot of life when i'm just floating around)...then HECK yes i'm gonna work at it!!!
it's sort of an...exercise in spiritual growth, i suppose. the reason i'm posting it is because...well, i don't really know why. pretty much because i can type on here faster than i can write with a pen in my 'analog blog' and hopefully will be able to organize my thoughts in a more efficient manner..haha...
so, 'it all started' this morning while i was trying to read roland barthes for an AH class...and i jotted down this note on the top of a page (jotted it so i'd look at it after i was done reading. right): 'testimonial essay on attending/participating in fellowship canadian reformed church at burlington south'...actually this started earlier this week. (learning about community at ECF fallretreat) issues of becoming aware of the facts that i like my church but don't love it (or the other way around? doesn't matter?), i don't have to love everything about it but i DO need to participate more(contributing and sharing my gifts to build others up)(but my church seems to not be very conducive to this sort of activity, or even to changing to maybe improve in this way) and realizing that people are people are people and everything(so much more than i thought) is relational (read 'searching for God knows what' by donald miller)
i WAS thinking about telling you all about how i came to these 'conclusions'--also so that i have it in 'black and white' and can come back to read it and relearn---but i've forgotten details already. so now i have the concepts, but not the details. i've decided that's ok---i do concepts without details. that's me.
yeah, so 'testimonial essay...' has become 'testimonial teacup' or 'testimonial nutshell'. i did enjoy learning these things, and i will hopefully enjoy finding ways to apply what i've learned to my life...not by myself of course, because i won't be able to. (hi, God!)
so, today we were studying psalm 116 in small group. it's beautiful. go read it. there's SO much----a narrative (psalmist was suffering/cried out to God/who saves/therefore/i will praise the LORD) and a basic action-action-response-ripple sort of structure. this psalmist (maybe david, maybe not) is funny--he goes from speaking to a third person, to speaking to God, then speaking to himself...and back again, and to the entire community of believers, and all over the place. at first he sounds a little looney because of this. but look how honest he is. about what was going on before God saved him, and during salvation, and after salvation. and how authentic he is (this is also something i realized lately. authenticity is cool--when i and other people are authentic, i learn more about me, besides learning a lot about others)...and if this psalm is a response to salvation, and in joy, and sort of a journal/diary/blog account of the psalmist's spiritual journey...and he's talking to SO many people authentically...being incredibly vulnerable in telling people, himself, and God about his vows and how he feels about God...
ok. all this to point out that he talks to himself(as well as others). authentically. and vulnerably. and i need to do that too. in order to get ANYWHERE in life, in love, in Christ, in relationships with friends. earlier i had thought that my 'opening statement' would be something like 'when i was dating so-and-so, mom told me i shouldn't be dating until i *knew myself*' and i had no idea what she meant by that one...figured it would come about somehow eventually...but now it makes sense--i've never been too entirely sure about what's going on, in relationships, in regular life, etc-i've just been floating through a lot of it...if not most of it. (doesn't mean i'm ready to get married or anything, just something to think about when so many close friends are tyin the knot)
but now the questions come up---does this getting to know oneself happen intentionally?!?? will it happen if i'm searching really hard for it? does this happen automatically for some people, and if so, why not me?
earlier i had resigned myself to the thought that i'm just a disconnected kind of person--some people are really relationally blessed, others like me are relationally challenged, and this is just a thorn in the flesh to live with. that's ok, if it's true, i'm fine with what God's given me to work with, as long as he's there with me giving me strength and pretty much doing all the work for me---but if it's possible to work with it and be happy (because i KNOW i'm missing a lot of life when i'm just floating around)...then HECK yes i'm gonna work at it!!!
(this might all just depend on whether or not i'm getting enough iron. or sleep. if so, then we can just dismiss these theories.)
i think i was (have been...still am) floating because i don't want to get close...afraid of what i'll see? afraid that i'll criticize myself? i'm not sure what's up--gotta get closer to find out. so my spiritual goal at the moment, and my reason for writing this post, (and my current prayer request, please) is that i work at becoming vulnerable with myself. and i really do sound crazy now.
so that's my testimonial essay. not on fellowship canref (that would end up being a rant?) but on my own brain. or i guess on my own 'secret heart' (ps 51)
i'm not always so serious. i'm also not always very focussed(you know me--if you've been reading this crazy blog)---'i think this makes sense, hhmm probably not but whatever.'
and silas, obviously you with the stalker skills cover your tracks; i'm not a stalker and i have negative amounts of stalker skills. (i can be quiet if i need to be. that's all) i haven't found your blog yet, but i spose i'll keep looking around.
so that's my testimonial essay. not on fellowship canref (that would end up being a rant?) but on my own brain. or i guess on my own 'secret heart' (ps 51)
i'm not always so serious. i'm also not always very focussed(you know me--if you've been reading this crazy blog)---'i think this makes sense, hhmm probably not but whatever.'
and silas, obviously you with the stalker skills cover your tracks; i'm not a stalker and i have negative amounts of stalker skills. (i can be quiet if i need to be. that's all) i haven't found your blog yet, but i spose i'll keep looking around.
peace out
2 comments:
Hey Justine....I think our minds speak the same language...except you are better at expressing it I think. :S :S Ever have it where you are confused and trying to explain it someone but it just gets worse because those thoughts don't really fit into words? I find words so limiting. Maybe that's why I'm in art school?
Anyway...I think you cleared up my head a bit with this entry! :)
Tamara
hi tammy!
thanks for the comment-----i was starting to wonder if i made any sense. reading it over a few days later sure helps--i'd already forgotten a lot of that. haha.
and i TOTALLY know what you mean about words failing! but i think it's my communication skills in general---i'd much rather sleep. maybe i will be a pioneer in discovering a way to communicate effectively while i'm sleeping. hhmm.
see you!
justine
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