introspection on narcissism

yes, i've decided i'm too introspective to have a blog. i label myself as narcissistic...and i had to look that one up in the dictionary for spelling, and this is what i found:

1.Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See Synonyms at conceit.
2.A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.

eek? ok well there were a couple of other definitions listed but mostly just the second one applies here. shocker: i didn't want or intend to be narcissistic. (or conceited!) psychological condition? do i need a shrink!? yeah probably. unconscious deficits in self-esteem...excuse me while i go beat myself up here...
and what's the relationship between self-esteem and conceit? write your answers in the comment section...

ok well i got sidetracked by the dictionary. see what love of good spelling gets us!?
anyways, back to my original topic: i label myself as narcissistic, and while i'm introspectively and with low self-esteem thinking about how i don't want to label myself as narcissistic, i focus, introspectively, and yes narcissistically, on what's going on inside my head rather than what's going on around me. it can be a little uncomfortable, for example trying to follow a conversation, when it's like i'm there in the second person rather than the first... apparently it takes a little longer to process thoughts and words, making me look like a big idiot who never learned how to speak properly. and here i go again, another narcissistic post on my very own blog which is all about me.

i guess i might also come across as stuck up or snobby, if i'm being introspective and not talking to various people, just because my head's in the clouds that are inside my head and i'm 'lacking empathy'...meanwhile anyone who is a snob also fits the conceit and the self-preoccupation, so hey i guess so. my self-worth doesn't depend on how other people see me...i guess it 'depends' on how i think other people see me. and on how i see myself comparing to how i'd like to be. meanwhile...

i didn't mean to do it...but i guess good intentions don't count in the big picture.

so should i quit blogging? i haven't been able to think up anything lately that's worth writing on here...because it's all the strange thoughts that are running around in my head which even i have trouble deciphering...why would anyone want to read about it? is it funny? amusing? enlightening? 'oh, that explains the blank stares'

anyways, this isn't an excuse for me to go sit in a narcissistic hole all by myself and wait for the end of the world...as much as i'd like that, some days...it's more of a reason and a pep talkish to keep going. i do have a REASON to keep living and breathing and socializing: i have a heavenly Father who gave up his only Son so that i might have LIFE...and LIVE it to the full. my self-worth has nothing to do with what i think of me, it's all on God in the end. if God decides i'm 'worth' the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, then i'll do my best to live up to that...

i read my own blog sometimes. (hhmm, narcissistic? no: introspective. it sounds so much more positive) it's good to go back and read what i wrote, to see if i've changed opinions, attitudes, moods, situations. to see which prayers have obviously been answered. to see some sort of growth. to be honest, there's a lot more interesting reading in my 'analog blog' (haha...yes i write in a notebook, with a pen, and a bookmark) because there's stuff in there all the way back since...um, grade 10? and because i don't write EVERYTHING on the internet so anyone can read it in here. that's what best friends and small groups and accountability people and teddy bears and analog blogs are for.
so, what are blogs for, then? for narcissistic people like me of course. :D