detail

so i'll explain the corner.
a corner is probably universally understood as 'between a rock and a hard place'. claustrophobic, squirmy, spotlight, stuck, no way out...not nice.

so i'll explain the background. well, i'll record my thoughts on the background as they occur...or something. here's the thing--i've been in 'relationships' before---a few. not 'bad relationships', just they all ended funny, the way they usually do, and after that i looked back on those experiences and...didn't enjoy that. or thought i shouldn't have done what i did. or thought maybe i was just a dumb kid in high school who was too young to date. whatever it was, for a while that really bothered me. the thought of dating again just freaked me out---hence the corner-esque sort of atmosphere. but somehow, recently, i've totally forgotten about it! somewhere in the past year that naive little kid just disappeared from my life. i've grown up and started looking forward rather than back, and remembering more of the positive effects than the negative...i'm pretty much at peace with that part of my life.
and then, the topic comes up again. more surprised than cornered, yet the old familiar wants to come back and scare me into what, staying single for the rest of my life? yeah it's a possibility but i don't really want to be single for the rest of my life...but i don't really know what i want...if i'm so unsure, does that mean please don't take any steps forward, because how many lives are affected by any missteps you might take!!
that's the corner i'm in right now----and i hate being in it, but at the same time, will i always be afraid of this corner? will it always BE a corner for me? do i need to wait for this corner concept to change to something entirely different? recently/lately i've narrowed it down to a confidence issue: in whom/what do i have confidence, or not...and in whom/what SHOULD this confidence be.

do i need the corner to motivate me to evaluate my confidence...or do i need the positive influence of a (potential!?) boyfriend to show me a way to be comfortable in the corner?
...hearing kathryn's testimony lately (getting to know Jesus as LOVER OF MY SOUL) has been big for me: maybe the corner is meant to motivate me to evaluate my confidence in the positive influence of JESUS in my life. so i'm working on getting to know this corner and what it means...but till i'm comfortable with that, maybe single IS the way to go.


PS got a ride in desiree's 88 pontiac fiero today, fun stuff! nice car, girl!