aaaaaaaah what's wrong with me!?
here we go again--some more introspection on narcissism i think.
more like, argh.
:)
vicious cycle: i have no goals in my life right now...no drive to finish uni because what am i finishing it for? no real plans. 'get married to a rich guy' apparently doesn't cut it (that's copping out of growing up) and 'bum off parents forever' doesn't work simply because i don't want to--need some independence one day! (not copping out all the way!) even 'open art/bead store' *should* be on the list of retirement plans for after my successful career as a doctor.
none of this is huge pressure right now, only practicalities which i need to remind myself of once in a while. but why be practical? i'm an artsy! hello! impractical at its best. but i'm not very good at being practical about it-----aaaah waay too confusing.
anyways maybe if i slept a little more than usual, i'd have more luck staying awake. following conversations. being sociable. dealing with insecurities.
did a manuscript study today (i'll describe those someday----pretty much amazing!) we studied peter walking on water. (matt.14:22-33) hit home! peter, jumping out of the boat and into the unknown, losing hope in his faith, but still recognizing Jesus and his saving power. ouch. i think i gotta do a little more jumping and a lot less hiding in the boat. the thing is, sometimes i lose all hope in whatever motivation i have on my own (because it's non-existent)---and i hate it! i hate needing that extra push from someone else to get my own work done. my own art which is such a big part of me, and i need someone else to nag me about it. shouldn't it be the other way around? someone nagging at me to sleep? take a break from all the crazy artwork?
so i'm not too sure what i want to do with my life, not too sure why i'm not sure. am i keeping my options open? is God going to point me to it when he's done all the crazy stuff he's doing in me these days? is he ever gonna finish? am i that messy? :P hehe--don't answer that one!
yeah sleep.
1 comment:
:) you're DEFINITELY not backsliding!
and that's what i'm trying to tell myself---it's NOT a bad thing to be doing nothing while figuring things out. might find it frustrating and confusing, but it's part of the journey, and i spose it's kinda necessary. then when we figure out what we're doing, we'll enjoy doing it so much more! here's hoping---don't want to get too attached to this bumming around...(close a door on bumming!!...but leave a window open..:))
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