sometimes life is really good.
you know, those times when all the little things you're involved in are in a lull, or are just going really well. when you know what's going on, when you're not double or triple booked and you're not worried about getting enough sleep. when you're super sure about who you are and where you're going. when you are spending some quality time with God, and really making an effort to get to know Him more, to learn about Him in His Word, and to spend time in prayer. when you aren't worried about what the future holds; when you don't mind the thought that you've been working hard and paying a lot of money for a university degree and you actually don't have a plan to use it. when you have time and energy and motivation and cheer to share with friends. when you give yourself time to sit back and listen to some sufjan, or other favourite music.
sometimes, none of those things happen. it's ok when maybe one or two are a little off, but there are times where you sit back and wonder why you can't sleep, or why you're continually fighting tears, or why that good book is just calling to you, 'drown your worries in me!' or why you're always always always tired and spacey. or why you suddenly feel alone. or why weddings are nice but...yeah, nice to think about and dream about... or why you don't notice how rude you're being to your family when you see them for all of half an hour a day (if that!) or how long it's been since you last seriously, sincerely sat down and prayed your heart out. (or how long it's been since you had enough consciousness to last you till the end of that heartfelt prayer!?)
i guess these times are the low points in the rollercoaster, while the good times are the high points.
so, i'd say, i'm at a low point right now.
and i amuse myself with thoughts of my knight in shining armor coming soon to rescue me from this landscaping hole, solving all of life's problems and handing me a purpose, along with a spa day. it's so frustrating and so overwhelming, to think that the chances of this knight in shining armor showing up anytime soon are pretty much nonexistent...and so i need to tackle this stuff by myself. flip!
so i just want to sleep now.
except, remember that time in mark, when Jesus turns all glowy...he definitely shone. people were amazed and afraid. good thing, too--he's probably the only rollercoaster operator out there who can get me to where he knows i need to be. God says, 'this is my beloved Son, whom I love. Listen to him!'
i suppose that's some real good advice.
5 comments:
Dear Justine:
Remember when Jesus was all glowy-like. This happened on a mountain, with His closest friends, with the joy of knowing His Father backed Him up 100%. It seems to me like this was a high point in His life... on top of the world; with people who were able to glimpse, be it ever so vaguely, His purpose; and with the knowledge the God was on His side, helping tell the world "listen to Him". What did our God do next? He went down from the mountain. He refused Peter's offer to make Him some kind of semi-permanent dwelling on top of the mountain. He went down, down, down. Down to Jerusalem, where everyone wanted to kill him. Down to public humiliation. Down to showers of spit and whippings. Down to being denied by His closest friend. Down to being innocently condemned. Down on a rough piece of wood. Lifted up on the piece of wood, rejected by earth, rejected by God. Down to the depths of separation from God. Down to the grave.
But wait. He went up too. Up to earth again. Up to restoration of His friends. Up to Glory. Up to Heaven.
Justine, our God is not the God of the mountaintop alone. He is the God of the dirty trenches of warfare, He is the God of pain, and wounds, and humiliation, and burnt, whipped, and bleeding flesh. He knows what it's like to be going down.
I'm also pretty sure He doesn't want us to live on the mountaintop either. He wants us down in the trenches. He knows this is hard for us, but He wants us to do it anyway. He wants to help us in the battle. He also gives us the mountaintop, but only to prepare us for the blood and guts service we get to do, no, that we have to do. But never forget that our God is the God of the rollercoaster.
And never forget that I'm praying for you. God bless, sister.
love, Ben
oh my friend I love you! And I'm just restating my committment to hear stories and muck through stories. To quote LOTR because you know I'm a LOTR junkie, "DEATH!" Really quite the charge if you think about it. Die to self, which is the charge any soldier takes up when they go to war. I believe in you and in all those that Jesus loves. Oh! this helps me. "Jesus, forgive my unbelief" and "I am the daughter in whom God is well pleased" :)
Amen Ben. I'm praying for you too Justine. I know what you are talking about, I have those feelings too. I wish I could give you a hug...here's one that will have to do for now
{[({[Justine]})]}
And remember Psalm 91 about the Lord sending angels to keep charge over you. He is never going to leave you.
Praying.
Hard.
Sometimes it feels like psalm 120, or worse, 88. Other times it feels like psalm 150. I'll pray that you have more 150s than 120s.
Hi Justine,
So want to hang out? I'm thinking we should do an ice cream date, similar to last year's ice cream date.
Thoughts? Feelings?
Mari
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