"Those who complain do not create."
More about this later.
I'm reading Starving Jesus and it has been and continues to be an eye-opening (heart-opening) experience. I'm not sure where to start. I've been reading so much (Reading which challenges and confronts: definitely not fiction, and definitely not 'just-for-fun'...to be legalistically lentish...) and things are happening in and around me. Things are changing. There is something being left behind, and something in the future which is SO amazingly cool and huge and life-changing...
But there's this disjointed, vague, unconnected half-realization happening...like the difference between looking at the lesson taught to/through Nebuchadnezzar and actually being transformed myself. Like the difference between watching someone eat ice cream on TV and actually tasting and enjoying my own bowl of ice cream. Like the difference between watching Gabriel come on a swift light to explain to Daniel the answer to his prayer in Daniel 9---that answer which went out already at the beginning of his prayer, BEFORE he'd finished his prayer!! ("preanswer")---and actually hearing God's answer directly in my heart. I'm still watching, observing, taking in; I'm still worshiping at a distance with my hands in my pockets. I'm still on the conservative/non-risk-taking side, and even though I've declared myself free of the system, it's still there and still has an effect. It's still a system of fear, of anxiety, and of repressed or even unaddressed emotions. It's still a system where risks like the idea of doing a 40 day fast are ridiculous. Where choosing a future deliberately without earthly luxuries like security, dental plans, a beautiful beige house, a baby and a shiny car is just not what people DO. Where my family's reaction to something like what I've heard in Isaiah 58 could be 'you sound pretty stupid and maybe even crazy saying things like that'...
I'm having a lot of trouble articulating what I'm learning and what I'm experiencing in and out of my little sphere of existence. I'm having trouble being positive/proactive about the lack of tangible evidence in my own life of Jesus' transforming work in my heart. I'm having trouble being positive about the way that my world does not allow for the risks that I wish I could be taking/know I 'should' be taking in order for that tangible evidence to be visible/useful. I'm having trouble being positive about the way that my world has not been challenging me to get out and act. (Have I just put myself in a place where I don't see the challenge...Am I just blind because I'm negative?) I'm having trouble being positive about the difference between the acting that my world allows, and the acting that Jesus is calling me to, and I'm not happy with the way that I feel TOTALLY unprepared for this in my little world. (Are these actions just not 'good enough' for me? Such a snob...)
Did I just turn a blind eye to 'true fasting' (again, from Isaiah 58) until now? Did I just let myself believe in the intellectualism of my own little world?
And so I'm having trouble articulating this negativity without complaining. Is that even possible? I don't even know where to start. And so that's why Starving Jesus continues to be an eye-opening, heart-opening experience. In theory, I'm being challenged (here and in other places---Isaiah 58!) to just get up and go. But practically speaking, I still need someone to hold my hand as I take those steps...and I still need to be pointed in the right direction. I'm not sure if the right direction is even accessible from this little world where I am now. I want to stop complaining, and start creating. Is that why I've been in this art program? Is that why I have no concrete plans for next year? I want to start doing. I need to put myself in a place where I am constantly encouraged to do. A 'commune' might be a good start...
But there's this disjointed, vague, unconnected half-realization happening...like the difference between looking at the lesson taught to/through Nebuchadnezzar and actually being transformed myself. Like the difference between watching someone eat ice cream on TV and actually tasting and enjoying my own bowl of ice cream. Like the difference between watching Gabriel come on a swift light to explain to Daniel the answer to his prayer in Daniel 9---that answer which went out already at the beginning of his prayer, BEFORE he'd finished his prayer!! ("preanswer")---and actually hearing God's answer directly in my heart. I'm still watching, observing, taking in; I'm still worshiping at a distance with my hands in my pockets. I'm still on the conservative/non-risk-taking side, and even though I've declared myself free of the system, it's still there and still has an effect. It's still a system of fear, of anxiety, and of repressed or even unaddressed emotions. It's still a system where risks like the idea of doing a 40 day fast are ridiculous. Where choosing a future deliberately without earthly luxuries like security, dental plans, a beautiful beige house, a baby and a shiny car is just not what people DO. Where my family's reaction to something like what I've heard in Isaiah 58 could be 'you sound pretty stupid and maybe even crazy saying things like that'...
I'm having a lot of trouble articulating what I'm learning and what I'm experiencing in and out of my little sphere of existence. I'm having trouble being positive/proactive about the lack of tangible evidence in my own life of Jesus' transforming work in my heart. I'm having trouble being positive about the way that my world does not allow for the risks that I wish I could be taking/know I 'should' be taking in order for that tangible evidence to be visible/useful. I'm having trouble being positive about the way that my world has not been challenging me to get out and act. (Have I just put myself in a place where I don't see the challenge...Am I just blind because I'm negative?) I'm having trouble being positive about the difference between the acting that my world allows, and the acting that Jesus is calling me to, and I'm not happy with the way that I feel TOTALLY unprepared for this in my little world. (Are these actions just not 'good enough' for me? Such a snob...)
Did I just turn a blind eye to 'true fasting' (again, from Isaiah 58) until now? Did I just let myself believe in the intellectualism of my own little world?
And so I'm having trouble articulating this negativity without complaining. Is that even possible? I don't even know where to start. And so that's why Starving Jesus continues to be an eye-opening, heart-opening experience. In theory, I'm being challenged (here and in other places---Isaiah 58!) to just get up and go. But practically speaking, I still need someone to hold my hand as I take those steps...and I still need to be pointed in the right direction. I'm not sure if the right direction is even accessible from this little world where I am now. I want to stop complaining, and start creating. Is that why I've been in this art program? Is that why I have no concrete plans for next year? I want to start doing. I need to put myself in a place where I am constantly encouraged to do. A 'commune' might be a good start...
(Although, by the looks of things, I'll probably need a place where I can be a com-mooch...hehe...)
6 comments:
life can be so complicated and confusing. (sigh) I pray that God shows you where He wants you and holds your hand every little step of the way.
Ack, Justine.
We need a walk soon. I want to hear about these things from your mouth, not from a screen! I can't give a screen a hug, and get one back! I can't see into a screen's eyes and really listen to what they're saying.
Please. Let's walk soon.
oh the commune, I have heard of that somewhere before. Where could it be.
Justine, know that you are not alone in feeling this way, that your struggles are the struggles of Christians world wide. Maybe not specifically, because not everyone lives in your house on your street, but that other Christians so desperately (whether or not we will admit it)want to discuss these things with their brothers and sisters in Christ. I want to discuss these things, with you, my sister. So much of what we encounter in a routine day is humdrum and hohum, but there are opportunities to live out faith. It takes a little bit to shake off those things that we strictly 'don't do' when interacting with other people, Christian or otherwise. It is hard, I agree, and that is where I wish to encourage. Simply by being the person you are, and not someone mind-blowingly-astounding (though I'll admit that you aren't NOT that, great double negative)you have shown me what showing the love that comes from the knowledge of Christ's saving work does to your life. yes?
Enough for now. We should have that coffee-art talk someday. Although I'll admit that I am a better writer than talker, which doesn't say much for my speaking abilities.
Argentina:---I deleted your comments because somehow I clicked on the link you left and it shut down my internet. Coincidence? I dunno...
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