...............maybe...

Once upon a time, about six years ago, I made a choice. At the time, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. All it meant was a longer commute and a better degree...and a whole new world... The comfort zone bubble that I thought I'd left behind soon grew to include the amazing people I met and worshipped with on campus. I learned some amazing things about this faith that I profess. I was challenged on what I believe; they threw a microphone in front of me and asked me to lead; I learned how to read the Bible. I learned that when God speaks, amazing things happen--kind of like the butterfly effect. I learned that God gets intimately involved in things like where words fall on a page. 

I was safe though. I could go home at the end of the day; I could reserve evenings for band practice and girls' nights out and sitting at home reading a book; I could show up at church and support this community where I've still got some semblance of what we would call roots. What kind of choice did I make six years ago? What kinds of choices have I been making since then? What have I really been learning all this time?

So I'm not surprised now to find myself at the end of something. The thing I chose out of six years ago is now choosing for me. And by that I mean, it's making the choice and I don't have much of a say in what gets decided. Did I create a monster by choosing a path that might meander out of here...or did I just try something new, thinking the experience might be enriching? I'm definitely thinking both are true...and this new, enriching monster has now got me cornered. 

There is a way out...a cliff...and beyond that I'm hoping JC's got a magic carpet or something. The catch seems to be that all that I hold dear, all that I pretend is what holds me back in my familiar world, all of this old christendom community stuff that's following me around, all that pretty much defines my life...all of this is just not for me. It's safe and there's a fence by the cliff to keep me from falling, but...I know the cliff is where I need to go...but...

So what's it gonna be? Does it have to be either/or? Can it not be a both/and situation? I'm guessing it's either/or---I needed some sheer circumstances to make this a meaningful decision...and I think we've maybe got some sheerness going on here. 

The thing about the cliff is that it works metaphorically...but in real life, I have no idea what it looks like to let this community-weaning/magic-carpet-ride process happen...

dangit more choices.