complicated

Today, in an attempt to learn a little more about myself, I googled "complex people" and came across this article.

Mostly I'm excited to learn that I'm not the only person who is both an extrovert and an introvert at the same time--it's a thing that psych people acknowledge. (gah, ever since undergrad I've regretted not studying psychology. Who wants to sponsor my next university adventure...!?)

Also I'm excited to learn that this is a thing too:
Creative people's openness and sensitivity often exposes them to suffering and pain, yet also to a great deal of enjoyment. Most would agree with Rabinow's words: "Inventors have a low threshold of pain. Things bother them." A badly designed machine causes pain to an inventive engineer, just as the creative writer is hurt when reading bad prose.

I actually get stupid upset about a lot of dumb little things, things which no one else really often even notices. For example, poorly used apostrophes are catastrophes in my world, but to the next person they're (there...their? who care's! you get the message right!?) inconsequential. And I could go on and rant about all the dumb little things that get me going (there are SO MANY LITTLE THINGS which drive me nuts!), but really that's not a healthy place to dwell. I'm just glad to find out that all of this frustration is not just because I'm way too picky. 

Here's another thing: Perhaps the most difficult thing for creative individuals to bear is the sense of loss and emptiness they experience when, for some reason, they cannot work. This is especially painful when a person feels his or her creativity drying out. 

I don't particularly remember the drying out of my creativity, but it's been a while since I've allowed myself the time or space to engage with this sense of loss and emptiness. Life is actually so full of other amazing things that I've let the creative work part of me get sidelined. For one reason or another, here I am with a very full life but not a lot to say for myself and my voice. It's an interesting thing, to need to speak up for your own voice. It's almost embarrassing, to admit that I still need to learn to do that at this point in my life. But then...I can just take a picture or two and remind myself that I do see things in a particular way and can point out something beautiful once in a while, tiptoeing around some creative work but not fully engaging in it. Story of my life: reminding myself that I'm still interested but then not actually losing myself in those things. Tiptoeing around things and not fully engaging in them. That's a thing that probably needs to change.